krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

flat

Yesterday I had my round 2 chemo number 2... which today has friends and family asking "how are you feeling?". I feel flat... like a bottle of pop without any fizz.

It's odd for me to not have the oompah, the sass, the fizz. I don't like it. I feel like a BIG piece of my personality is missing. Have you ever met with a coach or done the activity where you brainstorm what makes you/your business unique from others? All those items on my list are currently missing.

I've had two of girlfriends/neighbors want my input on projects they are working on. Usually I'd chomp at the bit to give my 2cents, my brain would be going so quickly I'd have to spit out my thoughts so I wouldn't lose them. Now though I've warned them that my I'm not bringing my "A" game. My sentences are not beginning with "you should". I'm not solution minded. I'm a bit flat.

I miss this side of myself. In fact I'm a bit bored without it. I'm sure it's just a chemo side affect that will render itself old and forgotten in a few months. Because to me flat and fizzless is a crappy side affect.

p.s. WOW this is the 20th week I've been dealing with cancer. Also duly noted that I've had 14 chemo treatments with 2 more to go. #who'scounting

79 summers

My husband has saying... "if we're lucky, we get 79 summers". I'd like to think I'll get more than that.

Julie, a client/now friend, left this empowering comment on one of my blog posts "Hang in there, Krista! Don't think about being the mom with cancer this summer, think about being the mom that beat cancer this summer. And all the future summers that you won't have to be going though this. XO"

I love Julie's comment... but it's still difficult for me to totally embrace. I still feel a bit like cancer stole this summer from me. I don't want cancer to steal this summer from my kids. So far it hasn't...

This is the summer they'll run amok in the neighborhood. This is the summer they'll have long play dates and go to summer camps.

This is the summer I'll let my kids not make their beds everyday. This is the summer they'll probably watch more than enough tv, play too many video games, and eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

This is the summer they will become more independent. This is their 8th and 10th summer. This is the summer mom had beat cancer.

i still have hair

I'm a bit befuddled... I still have hair [not a lot mind you] and it's day something-or-another. It's not coming out in clumps... it's just shedding a little. I feel a bit like I'm past my 'due date', but I'm not an angry pregnant woman wishing for something to happen. I'm relieved and befuddled. #isBefuddledevenarealword

I feel normal

I didn't realize how crummy I've been feeling until I felt like 'myself'! #hindsightis20/20 I was expecting round 2 to have the same fogginess of my round 1 weekly treatments. It doesn't. #nicechange

I had an appetite.. meaning I wanted to eat and had seconds. I had been forgetting to eat,  it wasn't a priority, and just down right didn't feel like it- but ate to get the nutrients.

I worked on the computer, I perused Facebook, I blogged.  I wasn't just going through he motions.

I asked my husband if he wanted to watch a movie... something I haven't felt like doing in months. Around 9 pm he'll typically ask me if I'd like to watch a movie and instead I'll just want to head to bed. #partypooperthati'vebeen

This may not sound like a big deal at all, but when you stop doing the little things because you don't feel like it and then voila they are back and not a 'chore' you notice, well I noticed, and I liked it.

"I don't know you without cancer"

One of the moms at my son's Little League All-Star practice made the comment that she didn't know me without cancer. WOW, that really struck me. [Tracy is also one of my son's soccer coaches and we like to hang out when the kids are doing their baseball thing] It struck me that I've had cancer for a while now. It made me think how I am different 'after' and how most of you didn't know me 'before'.

I'm different in little ways.

I'm not as outgoing. As in- This season I kept to myself during many of my son's baseball games. Not that I didn't chat with people, but I'm definitely not running for mayor. #thismaysoundlittlebutit'sabiggie

I also am not social networking as often. I'm spending less time on twitter and facebook. A LOT less time.

I'm not 'connecting' people. I'm a connector- when I meet someone I seem to know someone that can 'help' or has something to offer them. #Iknowlotsofpeople

I'm not working as much. This is a whole post within itself.

I go to bed earlier.

My nose drips. #nonosehairsleft #tissueupyoursleevelikeanoldlady

I don't snack. My appetite has changed and I also got Invisalign [the trays to straighten my teeth + you can't eat with them in your mouth]. #moreonthislater

I wear hats every day.

I'm a bit thinner. #IKNOWthisone'sgreat! #BONUS

I multi-task less. #probablyagoodthing

I've learned to accept help. #wellalmost

I would have been all over this "Oprah have your tv show thing". #Oprahcanwait

I'm me but without the me. The sass/spunk has tapered off. I've mellowed. #fornow

If you'd like to know me 'before'  when all my spunkiness was channeled into a few endeavors... 

  "Organize the Whole Shebang" my organizing + lifestyle blog. There's also a page of my tv segments to watch me 'live' #withhair. click here

Another place is my former blog talk radio show/podcasts called "The O Myth- debating + debunking life's organizing myths". It's a fun listen. click here

hair loss

 
My hair week 18 [the back] Day 7 after Chemo Round 2

 
My hair week 18 [front] with my son the All-Star! Day 7 after Chemo Round 2

I thinned a LOT with my first round of chemo. I've been wearing hats to cover up my bald spot. For the most part I love hats, but I don't always like to wear them around my house as they impede my eye sight a little bit, often interfer with holding a real phone to my ear, and I tend to get warm in them. I don't feel ready for the wig as she slips on real hair + she makes me feel fancy. So for now it's hats, soon it will be scarves and I'll need to bust out the Betties.  fake betty real betty

During the first round my hair thinned, then stopped falling out in large amounts. Now with round 2 it's starting to thin again... slowly but it's starting. I've been told that day 14 into this new treatment that my hair will fall out. I'm not sure if that means large clumps or if that means I'll be bald by this day. Either way I've been anticipating the loss. I wake up wondering if there is hair on my pillow. [Cancer survivors/fighters talk about waking up with hair on their face and pillow]

What I'm surprised about during all this thinning is that I've still had to shave my arm pits + my legs... not very often but STILL. #isn'titIronicdon'tyouthink

My eyebrows are thinning, one is now noticeably shorter than the other #neverhadthisproblembefore [you can kind of tell if you look at the photo above]  And I've also noticed my eyelashes aren't as thick. #dangit [not sure i'm going to want to deal with putting on fake lashes, but may want to learn how] #gladiwearglassestohidesomeofthis

I know it will grow back, but in the meantime I also know that when I'm bald it will be a big shout out to the world that I have cancer. It's the first thing people will notice when they walk by me in the grocery store. It will speak for me.  #I'drathertheynoticemycutehandbag.

previous post on the day i started losing my hair. click here

 

day number...

One of the things you do when you have chemo treatments is count the days. As in the day of [chemo] treatment is Day 1.

My nausea meds are prescribed this way... first I take Emend on Day 2 + 3, then the following days I take Ondansetron. #thankgoodnesstheyworkwell

My bad day is Day 4, I thought it was going to be Day 5. [I hope this stays that way so I can 'prep' for it]

Day 14 I'm suppose to lose all my hair.

#Idon'twanttolosemyhair

best friends

Krista and Diane... best friends for 40 years

 

My best friend, Diane, came to stay with me... to help out, to support, to be there in case I felt really sick after my round 2 chemo treatment. I keep 'thinking' Beaches but it's not really like that, although I we saw that movie together years ago.

 

I've known Diane since we were 3. When she moved into the neighborhood my mom walked me up to her house [at my begging] to meet her. We've made mud pies together, took ballet, played our fair share of Barbies and dress up and crushed on the same boy. As grown ups we've vacationed together. Now she's here doing my laundry + painting my daughter's toe nails. #bestfriendsdothatforeachother

 
Too lazy to scan these #notwantingtohookuptechnologyrightnow
so you're getting fuzzy iPhone pics of pics.
 
 

feelin' it.

Today I feel like I have cancer. I woke up nauseated. I took my meds, they took a while to kick in. I wondered how long I'd be sick if I got sick. Thankfully I didn't have to find out.

I've been tired all day. Not myself. Thankful that my best friend is here for a few days to help, and she is. Just having her answer the phone or play a game of cards with my daughter is so helpful.

I'm hoping today is my 'bad day' but I won't know until tomorrow.

Chemo Round 2... facing it

I've really been dreading this second round of chemo  It's the hard core round, the one with the red medicine that will kick me in the ass. #sothesurvivorstellme  I've been anxious about it, not sleeping as well as I should, fixated how the side effects of this treatment are tougher, feeling a bit sad + pity-party about it [I think that's why I've been quiet the past few days... on my blog that is]. I read the paperwork about my meds and paid close attention to the paragraphs on side effects: mouth sores #yuck, fatigue #dang, nausea #medsPLEASEwork, hair loss #bald #nothingsayscancerlikebald

I told my husband I don't want to be the sick mom this summer and he simply replied (gently reminded) that I am the sick mom this summer. Funny how his saying it gave me permission. Permission to have cancer this summer. Apparently I have cancer. #it'ssinkingin He also reminded me that I'm here. I NEEDED to hear that.

When Brandie picked me up this morning I was talking in slow-mo, unsure if I wanted coffee [I KNOW... something is really wrong when I waffle about a morning latte] and feeling anxious about getting chemo. Mind you I've already been down this path 12 times, but today was different. Different meds that will kill my cancer but take a bit of me in the process.

Immediately upon getting there I spotted another patient that looked hip, happy, probably wearing her big girl panties ;). When Brandie headed out for the lattes this gal struck up a conversation with me. It took all of 2 seconds for her to inspire me and realize that I can knock down these 4 hard core treatments and that going bald wasn't going to be so bad. She told me her story- colon cancer stage 4, fighting for 2 years, our kids aren't to far apart in age, and she was smiling. She had gotten some good news from her doctor :) She doesn't know how she made my day, made my next 12 weeks do-able. She empowered me and I NEEDED that.

While I was at chemo... my children spent the day with their teachers going to the zoo + doing a jet boat ride on the river. Incredible that I live in a community where my kidlet's teachers wanted to help me by spending the whole day with my children... summer just started for them and here they were, giving more of their time to enrich my children's lives. I'm so thankful and was relieved to have them looked after while I tackled my chemo. I NEEDED their help.

Sometimes you don't get what you want... you get what you need #rollingstones

Chemo Details:

Here's what I'm taking:
FEC
4 treatments taken every 3 weeks. So for the next 12 weeks I'll be doing chemo Round 2. I included links if you want to read more about these meds.

F = 5-fluorouracil aka 5-FU #nojoke more info

E = Epirubicin more info The red medicine

C = Cytoxan more info

I'll continue to get Herceptin.

A Few more pics from today

Brandie by my side for Chemo Round 2.1

Inspecting the 'red' meds, Epirubicin, and listening to my nurse Diana, regarding how she's going to administer these new meds. Below is my reaction to the whole admin process. Notice it's not a drip but a big vile of killer cancer chemo meds. #yuck