krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

who knew?

I've heard the words "who knew?!" many a'time the past couple of months...

"Who knew your hair would look good short!"

"Who knew your head was shaped so nicely?"

I was secretly thrilled when I took the kids for their wellness check-up and the nurse told me how cute my hair was... I confessed and replied WHO knew?"

Last summer as my hair was falling out... I calculated when it would return. "The" rule of thumb is 2-3 months after your last chemo treatment. For me that was August 23rd. I hoped I'd have hair for Christmas. I heard it would grow out curly, even kinky... I heard it may come back different colors. Possilby gray. #cruel

I checked my scalp daily... surely it wouldn't take that long. But somewhere between October 15th, my mastectomy date, and now, it grew.

It's brown, slightly lighter than before and without lucious curls, no kinks, no grays. I'm considering staying short. In fact long hair is kind of grossing me out... #sideeffectmaybe #compensate

NeVah-evAH did I think my hair post chemo would look in some ways better than it looked in my classy, sassy bobb. I was worried I'd look like my big brother... boyish. So I compensate... I wear girly clothes, lipstick and earings. But as you'll see below in my video clip I've got very little of that going on... I was getting ready for bed, fussing with my hair, and decided to attempt my first Flip video.

Today is December 31st. Welcome to my bathroom and my first vlogging attempt. #santabroughtusaFlipforChristmas

p.s. cheers to 2011!

   

little victories

I'm taking a moment to focus on the little victories...

Taxotere toes- healing previous post on this click here

Chills... gone

Dry eyes- gone

Anemia- GONE! Blood test on Wed. showed red count is in the normal range, as is my iron levels!

Hot flashes- present

Anal Fizzure- surgery successful :) click here to find out what I'm talking about

Neuropathy- gone previous post click here

Nausea- gone

Hair- coming back in :)

Eyebrows + lashes- welcome back

Appetite- no worries

My post on side effects 5 months ago... click here

junkie

I'm not a pill taker... scratch that, I wasn't a pill taker. Now I think I've entered junkie status. I take a plethora of vitamins that the doctors have ordered...each to aid in my healing and/or support the effects of chemo on my body. But the little white pill I depend upon, she's crossed the line and when the bottle gets low I make sure she gets filled in a timely manner. #likepronto

She helps me sleep. She helps me dose off at night. She helps me cope the next day because she' s worked her magic in my sleep. She's a sleeping pill and I've never taken them prior to this whole cancer thing. In fact I didn't even want to really take her at all but if there is any time in my life that I can justify her use it's now. Of course it took several girlfriends to remind me that indeed I have cancer and that getting rest at night is a big part of my healing. #justifying

My obgyn prescribed Zolpidem/Ambien when I was first diagnosed. I didn't need it at first. When I began my first round of chemo I thrived on the steroids they gave me and enjoyed the huge boost of energy. I wanted to be awake because I had things to do. I didn't mind waking up at 3am because I could put on my robe and bust out a blog post. I felt like it. The scales were tipped in favor of the roids [over the chemo]. #goroids

Then the scales balanced themselves. No longer did the roids give me a hyper-boost. The chemo started to weigh on me. I needed my sleep. I needed to fall asleep. I needed to stay asleep. I needed some help.

My prescription was for one pill per night, but soon I was waking up staring at the ceiling and dealing with hot flashes. My ob said I could take 2 pills. Soon my pills were gone and when I went to refill them is when I realized I may have hit junkie status. The pharmacist was unable to refill my prescription because 'it wasn't time" "it shows you should still have pills". #panic

I felt like a complete and utter junkie...because damnit, I needed those pills. I was having chemo the next day and knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. And that's just not acceptable. I must have my pills. #junkie I told the pharmacist that my doctor had told me I could take two... thank goodness he's heard this before and has solved this problem. He said my doctor would need to adjust my prescription to the higher dosage. And just like that he had a call into my doctor to up the anty. I was fine, panic over. #closecall #ZZZzzzZZZZ

I'm not crazy... chemo and cancer really do mess with your sleep http://curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1418  Thanks to my girl Lani at Chemo Babe for the info.

i made it

Last night was Labor Day, today the first day of school. I made it through the summer... this was the summer I was dreading. I didn't really know how round 2 of chemo was going to treat me and in turn how I was going to be as mom/summer cruise director. Thankfully the kids were often swept away by neighbors and camps. What was so incredibly helpful were the phone calls saying "Hey we're going to the pool, do Wes + Annie want to go". YES!!!! And THANK YOU!

The hardest days were the Wednesday + Thursday following my Monday Chemo treatments. I pretty much stayed in bed resting. Annie typically had an all day playmate with one of her besties and Wes would head over to his friend Isaac's for some sort of adventure. I slept and caught up with The Kardashians and the Food Network (not like I was going to cook anything, but it's fun to dream). I also looked forward to hearing the garage door open and seeing my hubby walk through the door. I think he got used to seeing me snuggle in bed as he left for work and returned home... not my pre-cancer behavior.

On the drive home from our last Summer hoorah (we took the kids to a water park) I breathed a sigh of relief, squeezed my husband's hand tight and shed a tear of relief. I made it. We made it. This is the summer mommy beat cancer.

chemo: check

Last chemo... August 23, 2010
Mary Rarick, me, Brandie Kajino

About 6 months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer... chemo quickly followed and now I'm ringing the bell in the treatment center to signify that I've made it through this part of my cancer journey. Yes, I literally got to ring a bing... and I swung that puppy over my head busting out a 'go-girl' move. Well, the second time I rang it I did that... the first ringy-dingy I was feeling a bit shy as others were still lounging in their blue leather chairs getting treatment- I didn't want to boast. Then Brandie got out a camera to capture the moment so I had a do-over and decided to make the most of it.

The pic above gives you a little peek at my new eyebrows- yes they've been slowly growing. My eyelashes have also been slowly making their way home. My 1/4 inch hair is hidden behind my scarf.

Here's a peek a what Day One Chemo was like click here 

Day 1 of Chemo [march 24th, 2010]
 

But I'd rather look forward... here's a pic of my celebratory lunch with some of my girlfriends.

Lisa, Mary, Amy, Me, Dana, Brandie. 

Thank goodness for girlfriends...

last chemo

Tomorrow is my last chemo... but not my last treatment. Specifically that means I will continue getting the drug Herceptin intravenously every three weeks to complete the year long 'prescription' but will be done with the havoc-wreaking drugs that make me tired, nauseous, and make my hair fall out. #GoodRiddensChemo #6monthsofthiscraziness

I'm feeling anxious about tomorrow- odd because it's my 'last' one, yet I've felt so good for the past 2 weeks that I don't want to go backwards- as in feeling fatigued etc. I know it's only for a week then bam I'll be DONE and ready to climb onwards and upwards. I'm chalking this all up to having just had a fabulous vacation with my family- I felt cancer-free #wellalmost. Tahoe is a bit magical like that.

I hope I feel like writing this week- I want to share my Tahoe pics + memories [we've been going there since the summer of '78]

p.s. I'm wearing 'real betty' and mascara right now... yes my lashes are short and fabulous!

more side effects + a warning of too much information ahead

The side effects that I may not have mentioned... because sometimes it's just too much information. But since I vowed to be open and honest here goes. #rememberItoldyouso

Taxotere toes- random big bruises under my big toes- named after the med it spawns from. My Oncologist told me they really bother some people. Guess I'm not 'some people' because this is THE least of my worries. #cancertrumpsuglytoenails

Chills... i get chills. They aren't your normal chills- There is a bit of a stinging as my nerve endings have been damaged. It's not painful just odd. It doesn't last long.

Dry eyes- blinkity blink blink

Anemia- I'm now on iron pills to tackle this one.

Hot flashes and yes menopause. I KNOW really?! My OBGYN confirmed it- yes I'm menopausal. It's not just the chemo, I was headed there anyway. My hot flashes arrive in the early am, making sleeping difficult and a continuous hunt for the cold part of my pillow and sheets.

and the worst... and remember I warned you and it's embarrassing.
I have an anal fissure. #eekisright  That means it feels like I'm pooping glass chards and YES it's painful. I finally called the doctor about it, dealing with it via fiber-con, sitz baths and oinment and hoping it will heal ASAP. And I hope you don't ever get one.

Okay, I said it... that indeed may be my lowest moment on the internet. It best help someone so that my blush cheeks aren't for not.

week 23

Chemo- Round 2, treatment number 3
My girls Lara Blair and Lisa Algstam

I'm in the throws of post chemo... which basically means I'm fatigued. Today is Friday, I had chemo on Monday. After two days of bed lounging I'm moving about. I could have done more the past few days, but why bother. It's only taken me 5 months to accept that my body is fighting cancer.

The fabulous news is that I've only got one more chemo to go! I'll continue getting Herceptin every 21 days but the side effects will be minimal if any and they 'don't really count as chemo' to me. AND that will be nice because I'm SOOOO over the side effects.[that's another post]

I'd like to share THE one good side effect- my friends get to become friends. Lara got a chance to meet and get to know Lisa and visa-versa. Brandie also stopped by for a bit so Lisa got to meet her in person and not just via twitter. Nothing like a lil' day in chemo to bring about new friendships ;)

And I still have some hair. It's pitiful actually, but every time I look in the mirror my husband reminds me that I still have some hair and that when I put on my hat you can't tell- well, if you didn't know me you might not tell ;)  I certainly can. I've decided to put off shaving at least for now. #hatswork

resting

I've been resting for 3 days. My body is just tired, doesn't feel like doing much. Today however I did move from my bed to the couch. When I'm feeling like this I'm not really up for writing, hence why I've been quiet for a couple of days.

I'm thankful both kids were busy this week... my son went to an overnight camp and my daughter a day camp from 9-3. When she gets home she's happy to just watch some tv and hangout. #thatsuitsmejustfine

I'm so thankful to have my dear friends/neighbors [shawna + barry] do the camp carpool all week. They even brought us dinner on Wednesday. #yum [Shawna is also the 'meal scheduler' on my www.LotsaHelpingHands.com page] Our girls not only have camp together this week but have swim lessons at the same time each evening. So this give us time to chit chat about my latest chemo side effects. She asked me last night what it feels like. Hmmm.

My fatigue/tiredness feels a bit like when I had mono, but not as bad. I cat nap. I watch tv. I fade off. I wake up to see the 'after' segment and then doze off again. #Isoundlikeanoldman

I typically will walk the dog around the block... but I don't feel like it. One day I'll skip it, the other I'll 'force' myself to take one lap around the block.

I skip social events because 1. I'm not all that social when I'm fatigued  2. I'm fatigued.

When invited to an event I think about when my treatment is, what 'day' the event falls on, then answer "It depends on how I feel".

This week, while resting... I've reminded myself that my body is fighting cancer, something I sometimes forget. I know this fatigue will wain. The chemo will eventually leave my body as will the cancer. I'll be back to 'doing' and wishing I could take a nap.

ps. I am starting to countdown... week 26 will be my last chemo. 14 down 2 to go.

week 20

My hair is starting to fall out again... more stands than last week. I think this is the final straw before I shave my head... but the next day or so will really tell. I'm hoping that I can hang on a bit as I really don't want my son to come home from his week long overnight camp to a bald mama. Can it get more traumatic than that?

He was already surprised to find [before he left] that my eyelashes and eyebrows were falling out. He hadn't realized that was part of the gig. I didn't realize that they would fall out and land in my eyes. #reallypourmoresaltinmywoundwouldya