krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

Happy Thanksgiving

So much to be thankful for...

My cancer is gone, but it's the little things I keep thinking about.

The neighbors that brought me dinner the nights I couldn't even think about eating but needed to feed my family.

The moms that called and offered to take my children with them when they were headed to the pool, or the park, or just have them over to play.

The thoughtful cards, the instant messages, the texts, voice mails, and emails just saying you were thinking of me.

The personalized gifts, beautiful flowers, funny cards.

Rides to my appointments.

It's always been the little things. The little things that drive me crazy and the little things that keep me sane. I have so many little things to be thankful for.

I could write a book about all the little things my girlfriends and community have done to support me... but right now, this very minute I'm going to log off and spend time with my husband watching one of 'our shows', because it's these little moments together that we will remember.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

race for the cure...or not

I've never done a walk or a race, unless you count the one I did in junior high which WAS a whopping 20 mile walk-a-thon. But for the past several years when asked if I'd like to run a marathon I reply with much certainty that I'll be 'the one sitting at the corner cafe with a cocktail in my hand cheering you on as you run by'. #i'magoodfriend

When the Portland Race for the Cure came up in conversation, I hesitated but told my friend Tina that if we created a team I didn't want it to be for me, but for all the women of Clark County. Over 600 will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. Somehow it was easier to consider walking if it was for someone else.

But when the time came... I bailed. I couldn't talk myself into doing it. I registered, I registered my husband and my kids. But I really couldn't wrap my mind around it.

When I was first diagnosed I put it out there on facebook. An old high school classmate sent me an instant message saying she was going to add my name to her hat as she ran a race supporting breast cancer. I freaked inside... I wasn't ready for anyone to walk for me. I do the walking. [so to speak, since I don't actually do walks, but you know what I mean]. I wasn't ready to be on the other side. This haunted/taunted me for days.

When I registered for the race there was a box to click if you were a breast cancer survivor. Well... not yet, but where is the 'fighter' box? I clicked the box anyway as I'm optimistic. There was a brochure to click on to get info about parking and where to check in. I started to feel overwhelmed. Every time I thought about the race I got a bit anxious and didn't want to figure out the details. The vicodin may have contributed a bit as I was still healing/am healing from the whole anal fissure surgery thing [which by the way is much better thank you very much]

The night before the race it was pouring outside which only added to my list of reasons why I didn't really want to head out to downtown Portland to race. But I knew other people would be there, those girlfriends that have supported my journey. They were planning on being there rain or shine to walk in my honor. I began feeling guilty. I called Shawna as we were planning on going together. She talked me through it... meaning the guilt washed away.

I guess part of putting on your big girl panties is making decisions that are best for you, not out of guilt. I did feel a tad guilty when my personal trainer Casey called post race and caught me eating an apple fritter and sipping on a sugar laden latte while on the sidelines of my son's soccer game ;) #lifeasiknowit

Next year chicas... I'll be cancer free, fancy free, and promise to not be sitting on the sidelines but joining you in celebrating those before me and raising money for those after me. Rain or Shine.

i made it

Last night was Labor Day, today the first day of school. I made it through the summer... this was the summer I was dreading. I didn't really know how round 2 of chemo was going to treat me and in turn how I was going to be as mom/summer cruise director. Thankfully the kids were often swept away by neighbors and camps. What was so incredibly helpful were the phone calls saying "Hey we're going to the pool, do Wes + Annie want to go". YES!!!! And THANK YOU!

The hardest days were the Wednesday + Thursday following my Monday Chemo treatments. I pretty much stayed in bed resting. Annie typically had an all day playmate with one of her besties and Wes would head over to his friend Isaac's for some sort of adventure. I slept and caught up with The Kardashians and the Food Network (not like I was going to cook anything, but it's fun to dream). I also looked forward to hearing the garage door open and seeing my hubby walk through the door. I think he got used to seeing me snuggle in bed as he left for work and returned home... not my pre-cancer behavior.

On the drive home from our last Summer hoorah (we took the kids to a water park) I breathed a sigh of relief, squeezed my husband's hand tight and shed a tear of relief. I made it. We made it. This is the summer mommy beat cancer.

chemo: check

Last chemo... August 23, 2010
Mary Rarick, me, Brandie Kajino

About 6 months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer... chemo quickly followed and now I'm ringing the bell in the treatment center to signify that I've made it through this part of my cancer journey. Yes, I literally got to ring a bing... and I swung that puppy over my head busting out a 'go-girl' move. Well, the second time I rang it I did that... the first ringy-dingy I was feeling a bit shy as others were still lounging in their blue leather chairs getting treatment- I didn't want to boast. Then Brandie got out a camera to capture the moment so I had a do-over and decided to make the most of it.

The pic above gives you a little peek at my new eyebrows- yes they've been slowly growing. My eyelashes have also been slowly making their way home. My 1/4 inch hair is hidden behind my scarf.

Here's a peek a what Day One Chemo was like click here 

Day 1 of Chemo [march 24th, 2010]
 

But I'd rather look forward... here's a pic of my celebratory lunch with some of my girlfriends.

Lisa, Mary, Amy, Me, Dana, Brandie. 

Thank goodness for girlfriends...

he [really] did it

  My big brother, Eugene, sporting some big girl panties.

Yesterday [click here] I mentioned my big brother brought me to tears when he came out wearing a pair of big girl panties... Now I have proof and his permission to post this picture! #canyoubelievehegavemepermission?!

I can't believe I posted a pic of me in my bathing suit, then again i can't believe I have cancer or that I'm sporting a peach-fuzzy hair do.

Note the view from sunglasses... ahhh Lake Tahoe how I adore you. #Iadoremybigbrothertoo

week 23

Chemo- Round 2, treatment number 3
My girls Lara Blair and Lisa Algstam

I'm in the throws of post chemo... which basically means I'm fatigued. Today is Friday, I had chemo on Monday. After two days of bed lounging I'm moving about. I could have done more the past few days, but why bother. It's only taken me 5 months to accept that my body is fighting cancer.

The fabulous news is that I've only got one more chemo to go! I'll continue getting Herceptin every 21 days but the side effects will be minimal if any and they 'don't really count as chemo' to me. AND that will be nice because I'm SOOOO over the side effects.[that's another post]

I'd like to share THE one good side effect- my friends get to become friends. Lara got a chance to meet and get to know Lisa and visa-versa. Brandie also stopped by for a bit so Lisa got to meet her in person and not just via twitter. Nothing like a lil' day in chemo to bring about new friendships ;)

And I still have some hair. It's pitiful actually, but every time I look in the mirror my husband reminds me that I still have some hair and that when I put on my hat you can't tell- well, if you didn't know me you might not tell ;)  I certainly can. I've decided to put off shaving at least for now. #hatswork

best friends

Krista and Diane... best friends for 40 years

 

My best friend, Diane, came to stay with me... to help out, to support, to be there in case I felt really sick after my round 2 chemo treatment. I keep 'thinking' Beaches but it's not really like that, although I we saw that movie together years ago.

 

I've known Diane since we were 3. When she moved into the neighborhood my mom walked me up to her house [at my begging] to meet her. We've made mud pies together, took ballet, played our fair share of Barbies and dress up and crushed on the same boy. As grown ups we've vacationed together. Now she's here doing my laundry + painting my daughter's toe nails. #bestfriendsdothatforeachother

 
Too lazy to scan these #notwantingtohookuptechnologyrightnow
so you're getting fuzzy iPhone pics of pics.
 
 

feelin' it.

Today I feel like I have cancer. I woke up nauseated. I took my meds, they took a while to kick in. I wondered how long I'd be sick if I got sick. Thankfully I didn't have to find out.

I've been tired all day. Not myself. Thankful that my best friend is here for a few days to help, and she is. Just having her answer the phone or play a game of cards with my daughter is so helpful.

I'm hoping today is my 'bad day' but I won't know until tomorrow.

your comments...

I wanted to let all of you know how much your comments mean to me. Support, wisdom, different perspectives... that's so important to me.

I have my comments set up to go to my email, so I receive them as they come in on my iPhone. Sometimes I'm just waiting in line at the grocery store or flitting around my house but I read them and smile, read them and ponder, read them and feel your support.

My former student Jennifer left a comment on yesterday's post and it really helped me put things into perspective. I've been looking at my meds the wrong way. Jen helped remind me that the meds are on my team. I now picture the 'scary' red, Epirubicin as My 'girlfriend in a red dress' helping me kick my cancer in the ass. I needed that kick in the ass, I needed to put on my big girl panties and look at things in a new light. Thank you Jennifer.

Thank you, Thank You so much for taking a moment to say what your thinking + feeling. I appreciate your time and your good thoughts.

Chemo number twelve

ding. ding. ding. Bringing chemo round number one to a close... with Brandie by my side, along with my nurse Diana! Diana told us she's been a nurse for 39 years this weekend... holy moly I am a lucky gal to have her by my side!!!!!! She answers ALL my questions with such patience and complete, clear + concise information. #iAskaLotofquestions

Brandie and I finished up my chemo treatment, headed to a quick lunch of sushi + then back to my appointment to meet the radiologist. That was a long appointment but I met with both the nurse, Sandra + then Dr. Gotkowitz. I'll do a separate post on that process but it's incredibly techo and way cool how they will mark + zap away any cancer while going for full cancer-cure mode. #amazing #beginsOctober #last6.5weeksmondaythroughfriday #longhaul

Here's a little pic of Brandie + I sans hat... thought I'd give you a glimpse of my thin hair, but you really need a pic from the back to get the full affect. #intriguedareyou? [thinking this pic makes my hair look thicker] #goodangle #don'taskmetoturnaround

I'm scheduled to lose all my hair 14 days into chemo round 2 which begins June 21st.. so just about Independence Day, July 4th, I'll be bald + beautiful. #sotheysay #4weekstogo