krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

the glasses help

July 29th, 2010 week 22- end of month 5 

  

Thought I'd just put it out there... no lashes, brows gone, skin's still lookin' good, hair is thin, thin, thin but I still have 'enough' to poke out of my hat and fake some people out. In the pic I'm sporting a bandanna type of thing that I like to wear around the house + sometimes out in public but I think it makes me look like I have cancer...and gives me a hippy-chic boho look of which I appreciate on others but not so much on me ;) [hence the pearl earings to balance things out]

 

I thought I would dread the no eyelash, brow thing. I'm surprisingly ok with it. I think I look like I have no makeup on or just woke up. Typically in the summer I don't wear makeup so it's not much of a stretch. I have opted [on some days] to draw in some brows and add eyeliner to define my eyes. I'm not wanting to fuss with fake lashes. It just seems like it will be a pain and who really cares. I think just about everyone in my life knows I have cancer so I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes. The brow makeup was totally new to me. I have, ok had, great brows.[In junior high my mom rubbed my brows and asked me if I put anything in them. I thought 'what the hell is she doing and why would anyone put anything in their brows'.] #callmebrookeshields  Now that I take a moment to study everyone's eye brows I realize I'm not alone in the no-brow club.

 

What I don't like is how I look when I take my hat or bandanna off + see it in combo with my lack of hair. In fact I'm very aware of it in public. When my head gets hot + sweaty I may excuse myself to the restroom and 'air out' for a moment then put my hat back on before returning to the outside world. See... this is what I'm talking about. #eek #notmybestlook

 

There I did it, I came clean with my current look. This is why I like to wear a hat!

On the bright side... I am thankful it's summer. My skin has a bit of color deeming me 'healthy looking'. My sunglasses hide my eyes [brows + all] and my glasses continue to define my face and somewhat diminish the effects of chemo. #whenbadeyesightcomesinhandy #theglasseshelp

 

 

 

 

In today's paper...

On Saturday night my husband + neighbors headed downtown to the Camas Days Beer + Wine Garden. It's an annual event where you run into at least a dozen or so people that you have crossed paths with. One of those was a mom from my children's school. She asked her husband if he was able to name the gals around the table, I being one of them. He began going around the table and didn't say names but instead stated how he knew us. Immediately I thought "oh shit, he's going to come to me and not know what to say- since he really know's me as  "the cancer chick"... instead he said "she's been in the paper four times". #PHEW

Yes I am the girl the local paper is following. They are doing a series about coping with cancer. #ihavecancer  Today The Columbian ran a new article titled "Combating Cancer is a Family Affair".   [for the full story click here ]

To see previous articles click here

being still

Last week I took the kids and their friends to see the new Karate Kid. About 80 dollars into the movie [4 kids, popcorn, soda, candy] I had a moment. The new Mr. Miyagi- Mr. Hon said something that made the 80 bucks worth it...

"Being still and doing nothing are two different things"

Why thank you old wise one. I needed to hear that. I've been struggling with the whole 'just being' thing. By nature I'm a doer so being still isn't my cup of tea. However I am getting much better at it. I'm able to sit and ponder- as in ponder about something other than my cancer. I'm able to rest and not feel like I'm being lazy. I'm learning that being still is a tool to kicking cancer in the ass. #hiYAHtakethatcancercells

i'm here...

I'm here... I've been 'quiet'. Here's why.

About a week or so ago my dad was admitted to the hospital and taken to the ICU. [he's fine now, well kind of]. My parents don't live near me, nor do either of my siblings live near my parents. Thankfully my brother Brent and his wife, Margaret [nurse extraordinaire] flew down to help out, find out, take of all the details.

My dad had some internal bleeding following a colonscopy + endoscopy that lead to a reallllllyyyy low blood count and he needed 8 units of blood. Because they took him off of his blood thinning meds he's at risk to have another stroke or heart attack. Hence the he's better BUT.

I waffled heavily with do I load up the kids, catch a flight and head down to see my parents OR do I pawn off the kids while my hubby works so that I can catch a flight. Beyond worrying about my dad I was concerned with walking into an ICU or any hospital for that matter and catching something then getting hospitalized myself. Which felt selfish yet practical. My mom assured me I didn't need to come, but for a couple of days my gut told me otherwise. #torn

My brother secured 'help' for my parents. They now have someone in the house on a daily basis helping with all the medical and household chores. This is such a relief for my mom as she's healthy but pushing 80 and needs to slow down a bit.

Soooo.... this is why I've been quiet. I've been thinking of writing, filling you in, but didn't quite feel like sitting down and really sharing. 

I have on the other hand felt pretty good 'this week', even social. #nowthat'sanewone

resting

I've been resting for 3 days. My body is just tired, doesn't feel like doing much. Today however I did move from my bed to the couch. When I'm feeling like this I'm not really up for writing, hence why I've been quiet for a couple of days.

I'm thankful both kids were busy this week... my son went to an overnight camp and my daughter a day camp from 9-3. When she gets home she's happy to just watch some tv and hangout. #thatsuitsmejustfine

I'm so thankful to have my dear friends/neighbors [shawna + barry] do the camp carpool all week. They even brought us dinner on Wednesday. #yum [Shawna is also the 'meal scheduler' on my www.LotsaHelpingHands.com page] Our girls not only have camp together this week but have swim lessons at the same time each evening. So this give us time to chit chat about my latest chemo side effects. She asked me last night what it feels like. Hmmm.

My fatigue/tiredness feels a bit like when I had mono, but not as bad. I cat nap. I watch tv. I fade off. I wake up to see the 'after' segment and then doze off again. #Isoundlikeanoldman

I typically will walk the dog around the block... but I don't feel like it. One day I'll skip it, the other I'll 'force' myself to take one lap around the block.

I skip social events because 1. I'm not all that social when I'm fatigued  2. I'm fatigued.

When invited to an event I think about when my treatment is, what 'day' the event falls on, then answer "It depends on how I feel".

This week, while resting... I've reminded myself that my body is fighting cancer, something I sometimes forget. I know this fatigue will wain. The chemo will eventually leave my body as will the cancer. I'll be back to 'doing' and wishing I could take a nap.

ps. I am starting to countdown... week 26 will be my last chemo. 14 down 2 to go.

week 20

My hair is starting to fall out again... more stands than last week. I think this is the final straw before I shave my head... but the next day or so will really tell. I'm hoping that I can hang on a bit as I really don't want my son to come home from his week long overnight camp to a bald mama. Can it get more traumatic than that?

He was already surprised to find [before he left] that my eyelashes and eyebrows were falling out. He hadn't realized that was part of the gig. I didn't realize that they would fall out and land in my eyes. #reallypourmoresaltinmywoundwouldya

flat

Yesterday I had my round 2 chemo number 2... which today has friends and family asking "how are you feeling?". I feel flat... like a bottle of pop without any fizz.

It's odd for me to not have the oompah, the sass, the fizz. I don't like it. I feel like a BIG piece of my personality is missing. Have you ever met with a coach or done the activity where you brainstorm what makes you/your business unique from others? All those items on my list are currently missing.

I've had two of girlfriends/neighbors want my input on projects they are working on. Usually I'd chomp at the bit to give my 2cents, my brain would be going so quickly I'd have to spit out my thoughts so I wouldn't lose them. Now though I've warned them that my I'm not bringing my "A" game. My sentences are not beginning with "you should". I'm not solution minded. I'm a bit flat.

I miss this side of myself. In fact I'm a bit bored without it. I'm sure it's just a chemo side affect that will render itself old and forgotten in a few months. Because to me flat and fizzless is a crappy side affect.

p.s. WOW this is the 20th week I've been dealing with cancer. Also duly noted that I've had 14 chemo treatments with 2 more to go. #who'scounting

"just be"

I met with a book publisher this past week. I wasn't sure what I was pitching to her... since I'm in this limbo stage of being a lifestyle expert/cancer fighter. I opened our convo with "There's the book I should write and the book I'm writing". She listened, asked me questions, and concluded that during my 'transformation' I shouldn't take on a project but 'just be'. Allow myself to let the transformation happen and see what it brings me. See what I'm passionate about. #greatadvice 

I was a bit surprised when the publisher was more interested in my "Organize the Whole Shebang "lifestyle plan... and how I've broken it down into 3 areas: self, home, endeavors. She liked the holistic approach. This is the book I meant when I said there's a book a should write. But during this cancer fighting phase, 'should' has taken on a new meaning and there is a limited amount of 'shoulds' in my life.

It's also difficult to just 'be' when my main game is 'doing'. But doing has taken a back seat. I'm not up for doing, it doesn't appeal to me. My chemo treatments have put a kabosh on doing. Being is the the new doing ;)

I appreciated Cynthia's insight. It's given me somethings to ponder. I'm currently not passionate about organizing and spreading my plethoria of tidbits and wisdom.  However I am realizing that many of the things I professed to my clients and readers are also words of wisdom that I'm now whispering to myself. Maybe listening to my self is part of being, part of the transformation.

I've been whispering "take a moment to be in the moment".

taking one for the team

Team Colvin summer 2010

I know I'm 'allowed' to have my own little pity parties over the fact I have cancer. #but

But this past week I was again gently reminded it could be worse. My children attended a day camp and there was a little girl, bald and beautiful, fighting leukemia. My daughter told me how when they called the little girl up to the stage and gave her cards from each camp group that the mom cried really hard. She then reminded me how hard it must be for a little girl as opposed to a grown up, like me, to lose their hair and be sick. Annie was spot on. I'd rather have it be me than be my child.

I came to the conclusion that "I'm taking this one for the team". If I can get cancer and keep my family, siblings and nieces + nephews included from getting it then I'll gladly go down this path. I'll take the hit, I'll roll with the punches, I'll remind myself that my big girl panties are on. I'll limit the number of pity parties because it could be worse.

79 summers

My husband has saying... "if we're lucky, we get 79 summers". I'd like to think I'll get more than that.

Julie, a client/now friend, left this empowering comment on one of my blog posts "Hang in there, Krista! Don't think about being the mom with cancer this summer, think about being the mom that beat cancer this summer. And all the future summers that you won't have to be going though this. XO"

I love Julie's comment... but it's still difficult for me to totally embrace. I still feel a bit like cancer stole this summer from me. I don't want cancer to steal this summer from my kids. So far it hasn't...

This is the summer they'll run amok in the neighborhood. This is the summer they'll have long play dates and go to summer camps.

This is the summer I'll let my kids not make their beds everyday. This is the summer they'll probably watch more than enough tv, play too many video games, and eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

This is the summer they will become more independent. This is their 8th and 10th summer. This is the summer mom had beat cancer.