krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

"I don't know you without cancer"

One of the moms at my son's Little League All-Star practice made the comment that she didn't know me without cancer. WOW, that really struck me. [Tracy is also one of my son's soccer coaches and we like to hang out when the kids are doing their baseball thing] It struck me that I've had cancer for a while now. It made me think how I am different 'after' and how most of you didn't know me 'before'.

I'm different in little ways.

I'm not as outgoing. As in- This season I kept to myself during many of my son's baseball games. Not that I didn't chat with people, but I'm definitely not running for mayor. #thismaysoundlittlebutit'sabiggie

I also am not social networking as often. I'm spending less time on twitter and facebook. A LOT less time.

I'm not 'connecting' people. I'm a connector- when I meet someone I seem to know someone that can 'help' or has something to offer them. #Iknowlotsofpeople

I'm not working as much. This is a whole post within itself.

I go to bed earlier.

My nose drips. #nonosehairsleft #tissueupyoursleevelikeanoldlady

I don't snack. My appetite has changed and I also got Invisalign [the trays to straighten my teeth + you can't eat with them in your mouth]. #moreonthislater

I wear hats every day.

I'm a bit thinner. #IKNOWthisone'sgreat! #BONUS

I multi-task less. #probablyagoodthing

I've learned to accept help. #wellalmost

I would have been all over this "Oprah have your tv show thing". #Oprahcanwait

I'm me but without the me. The sass/spunk has tapered off. I've mellowed. #fornow

If you'd like to know me 'before'  when all my spunkiness was channeled into a few endeavors... 

  "Organize the Whole Shebang" my organizing + lifestyle blog. There's also a page of my tv segments to watch me 'live' #withhair. click here

Another place is my former blog talk radio show/podcasts called "The O Myth- debating + debunking life's organizing myths". It's a fun listen. click here

hair loss

 
My hair week 18 [the back] Day 7 after Chemo Round 2

 
My hair week 18 [front] with my son the All-Star! Day 7 after Chemo Round 2

I thinned a LOT with my first round of chemo. I've been wearing hats to cover up my bald spot. For the most part I love hats, but I don't always like to wear them around my house as they impede my eye sight a little bit, often interfer with holding a real phone to my ear, and I tend to get warm in them. I don't feel ready for the wig as she slips on real hair + she makes me feel fancy. So for now it's hats, soon it will be scarves and I'll need to bust out the Betties.  fake betty real betty

During the first round my hair thinned, then stopped falling out in large amounts. Now with round 2 it's starting to thin again... slowly but it's starting. I've been told that day 14 into this new treatment that my hair will fall out. I'm not sure if that means large clumps or if that means I'll be bald by this day. Either way I've been anticipating the loss. I wake up wondering if there is hair on my pillow. [Cancer survivors/fighters talk about waking up with hair on their face and pillow]

What I'm surprised about during all this thinning is that I've still had to shave my arm pits + my legs... not very often but STILL. #isn'titIronicdon'tyouthink

My eyebrows are thinning, one is now noticeably shorter than the other #neverhadthisproblembefore [you can kind of tell if you look at the photo above]  And I've also noticed my eyelashes aren't as thick. #dangit [not sure i'm going to want to deal with putting on fake lashes, but may want to learn how] #gladiwearglassestohidesomeofthis

I know it will grow back, but in the meantime I also know that when I'm bald it will be a big shout out to the world that I have cancer. It's the first thing people will notice when they walk by me in the grocery store. It will speak for me.  #I'drathertheynoticemycutehandbag.

previous post on the day i started losing my hair. click here

 

day number...

One of the things you do when you have chemo treatments is count the days. As in the day of [chemo] treatment is Day 1.

My nausea meds are prescribed this way... first I take Emend on Day 2 + 3, then the following days I take Ondansetron. #thankgoodnesstheyworkwell

My bad day is Day 4, I thought it was going to be Day 5. [I hope this stays that way so I can 'prep' for it]

Day 14 I'm suppose to lose all my hair.

#Idon'twanttolosemyhair

best friends

Krista and Diane... best friends for 40 years

 

My best friend, Diane, came to stay with me... to help out, to support, to be there in case I felt really sick after my round 2 chemo treatment. I keep 'thinking' Beaches but it's not really like that, although I we saw that movie together years ago.

 

I've known Diane since we were 3. When she moved into the neighborhood my mom walked me up to her house [at my begging] to meet her. We've made mud pies together, took ballet, played our fair share of Barbies and dress up and crushed on the same boy. As grown ups we've vacationed together. Now she's here doing my laundry + painting my daughter's toe nails. #bestfriendsdothatforeachother

 
Too lazy to scan these #notwantingtohookuptechnologyrightnow
so you're getting fuzzy iPhone pics of pics.
 
 

feelin' it.

Today I feel like I have cancer. I woke up nauseated. I took my meds, they took a while to kick in. I wondered how long I'd be sick if I got sick. Thankfully I didn't have to find out.

I've been tired all day. Not myself. Thankful that my best friend is here for a few days to help, and she is. Just having her answer the phone or play a game of cards with my daughter is so helpful.

I'm hoping today is my 'bad day' but I won't know until tomorrow.

your comments...

I wanted to let all of you know how much your comments mean to me. Support, wisdom, different perspectives... that's so important to me.

I have my comments set up to go to my email, so I receive them as they come in on my iPhone. Sometimes I'm just waiting in line at the grocery store or flitting around my house but I read them and smile, read them and ponder, read them and feel your support.

My former student Jennifer left a comment on yesterday's post and it really helped me put things into perspective. I've been looking at my meds the wrong way. Jen helped remind me that the meds are on my team. I now picture the 'scary' red, Epirubicin as My 'girlfriend in a red dress' helping me kick my cancer in the ass. I needed that kick in the ass, I needed to put on my big girl panties and look at things in a new light. Thank you Jennifer.

Thank you, Thank You so much for taking a moment to say what your thinking + feeling. I appreciate your time and your good thoughts.

Chemo Round 2... facing it

I've really been dreading this second round of chemo  It's the hard core round, the one with the red medicine that will kick me in the ass. #sothesurvivorstellme  I've been anxious about it, not sleeping as well as I should, fixated how the side effects of this treatment are tougher, feeling a bit sad + pity-party about it [I think that's why I've been quiet the past few days... on my blog that is]. I read the paperwork about my meds and paid close attention to the paragraphs on side effects: mouth sores #yuck, fatigue #dang, nausea #medsPLEASEwork, hair loss #bald #nothingsayscancerlikebald

I told my husband I don't want to be the sick mom this summer and he simply replied (gently reminded) that I am the sick mom this summer. Funny how his saying it gave me permission. Permission to have cancer this summer. Apparently I have cancer. #it'ssinkingin He also reminded me that I'm here. I NEEDED to hear that.

When Brandie picked me up this morning I was talking in slow-mo, unsure if I wanted coffee [I KNOW... something is really wrong when I waffle about a morning latte] and feeling anxious about getting chemo. Mind you I've already been down this path 12 times, but today was different. Different meds that will kill my cancer but take a bit of me in the process.

Immediately upon getting there I spotted another patient that looked hip, happy, probably wearing her big girl panties ;). When Brandie headed out for the lattes this gal struck up a conversation with me. It took all of 2 seconds for her to inspire me and realize that I can knock down these 4 hard core treatments and that going bald wasn't going to be so bad. She told me her story- colon cancer stage 4, fighting for 2 years, our kids aren't to far apart in age, and she was smiling. She had gotten some good news from her doctor :) She doesn't know how she made my day, made my next 12 weeks do-able. She empowered me and I NEEDED that.

While I was at chemo... my children spent the day with their teachers going to the zoo + doing a jet boat ride on the river. Incredible that I live in a community where my kidlet's teachers wanted to help me by spending the whole day with my children... summer just started for them and here they were, giving more of their time to enrich my children's lives. I'm so thankful and was relieved to have them looked after while I tackled my chemo. I NEEDED their help.

Sometimes you don't get what you want... you get what you need #rollingstones

Chemo Details:

Here's what I'm taking:
FEC
4 treatments taken every 3 weeks. So for the next 12 weeks I'll be doing chemo Round 2. I included links if you want to read more about these meds.

F = 5-fluorouracil aka 5-FU #nojoke more info

E = Epirubicin more info The red medicine

C = Cytoxan more info

I'll continue to get Herceptin.

A Few more pics from today

Brandie by my side for Chemo Round 2.1

Inspecting the 'red' meds, Epirubicin, and listening to my nurse Diana, regarding how she's going to administer these new meds. Below is my reaction to the whole admin process. Notice it's not a drip but a big vile of killer cancer chemo meds. #yuck

 

As seen in today's Columbian...

 Photo by Troy Wayrynen

To read the most recent story in The Columbian published 6.14.10

"Putting best face forward in cancer battle. Krista Colvin strives to stay active, attractive"  click here .

cancer is kind of like a new job or college semester

I was sitting at my son's baseball game today telling Jen [a friend + a baseball mama] how cancer is kind of like a new job or a bit like college.

My professors are doctors... and they all have information to 'throw' at me. I in turn need to absorb all that they say so that I can pass my cancer class. I have the following 'professors'

• Dr. Oncology
• Dr. Radiation
• Dr. Surgery
• Dr. Boob Reconstruction
• Nurses... lot's of them all smart + wise

I'd say I've got a full load this term.

I have a lot of new vocabulary under my belt. I even learned how to spell mastectomy the first month although I won't have one until next quarter. [who knew there was a T in the word?!]

I will see these people for the next 6-16 months, some more, some less. Then apparently I will pack it up and my semester will be done. I'll no longer spend hours with some of these intelligentsia. I'll have evolved in a non-cancer or post-cancer or survivor. What that will look like isn't clear. But what is clear is that I am a patient, I am a student, I'm still the new kid learning the ropes. AND I appreciate all of you being my study-buddies.

my feet tingle

I don't think I ever told you that one of the side effects of my chemo drug Taxol, is "peripheral neuropathy (numbness and tingling of the hands and feet). It's been going on since practically chemo one. [I take a a supplemant called Glutamine to help with it] Now with chemo 12 under my belt and Taxol a drug of the past [won't have it in round 2], I'm hoping the tingling goes. It will probably stop and I won't even notice that's it's gone.

But it feels odd. A bit like walking on the beach barefoot. Which is what I wanted to share with you when my hubby and I went to the beach and I posted something and said remind me to tell you about it! That post here In fact when I was walking on the beach I found it easier to walk and balance where the sand was packed down... Where the driftwood had taken root. I could balance. But I had to focus. It oddly reminded me of my journey with cancer...Trying to find the easiest path amongst shaky ground. Looking down not always looking up [girl needs to focus].

I also find the tingling odd when I lay in bed... my skin doesn't feel quite right on the sheets. My face feels different because my tingling fingers are touching it. I turned my hand over, touched my face and it felt fine. #odd

Typing on the computer is also a bit of a challenge. I miss keys.

So tingly-mingly... it too will stop and something new will take it's place. Such is Life.