krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

post-op at home

A fews days after my double mastectomy... You can see the expanders are in and give me some shape.
The expanders have had a huge emotional impact as well- I don't feel boobless.
[I'm wearing a 'Survivor Tank' which was a gift from the Yummie Tummie people :) ]

I've been home from the hospital for a week. It's flown by. Which I'm thinking may be the power of pain meds and having my best friend Diane here to help me.

I feel ok, well actually I feel engorged which isn't usually what women would say following a double mastectomy. But in my case I opted for the expanders to be placed in my chest during the surgery- which means I'm not conclave but have the beginning of new breasts. The boobie doc put a decent dose of saline in them to start [ i think 240 cc's] + added 90 more cc's several days later. This is why I feel like my girls are full and ready to nurse...but in reality they are just stretching out a bit to accomodate my implants. About 6 months from now when my skin is ready [post radiation] I'll have surgery again to remove the expanders and place in my implants.

When I was in the hospital and prepping for my shower I took my first look at the sisters. I wasn't upset. I didn't cry. I wasn't grossed out. The stiches were covered with tape, there was no bruising or bloody gunk. I could see where the drain tubes were placed... which is the gnarliest it gets. The drain tubes take the leftover gunk/fluid and drain into what looks like a clear hand grenade. My job is to strip the drains + keep track of the amount of fluid. After a week or so they will be removed. Removal is determined by the amount of fluid my body would be able to absorb on it's own. I do have soreness where the drain tubes meet my skin and am looking forward to not lugging these things around. I have 3... 2 on my right breast with one of them draining the lymp nodes, 1 on my left breast.

Hope this doesn't fully gross you out. The lighter cup is the lymph node drain.

 I keep a clipboard in my bathroom to record date, time, and amount of fluid drained.

 

My incisions don't hurt, which is a bit of a surprise to me, a nice surprise.

The top half of my chest doesn't hurt, but feels pressure. This is the device they have me wear. I call it my heartlight, the kids think it's more Iron Man. It does some electro-magnetic thing every 4 hours. I've asked 5 times what it does, but since I'm a bit strung out all I remember is that it helps relieve the spasms. It's simply placed on top of my chest and held in place with the white gauze tube top. #soMadonna

 

Random details:

I find my legs + arms twitching as I'm lying down to sleep.

The first day home I went to put on my big girl panties and then reached for a bra.

Reaching for a cereal bowl is apparently a no-no until my drains are removed and my blood vessels have had a chance to heal.

No driving until I'm done with my pain meds.

Keeping track of all the meds is a bit confusing... so I write down when + how many pills I've taken on a this clipboard I keep in my bathroom.

 

I have weird dreams that I don't remember.

My eyesight is wonky... I have to remove my glasses to read my iPhone + the newspaper.

My community is full of great cooks... I SO appreciate the meals + baked goods!

I don't miss my old breasts.

I haven't cried since surgery.

I have 6 doctor's appointments this week.

I'm feeling ok about all of this.

 

 

pre + post-op in the hospital

 
Mike + I pre-op

My husband has a difficult time with hospitals... I do too. But on this day I wanted him by my side more than anyone else in the world. I felt calm. I was ready. I didn't cry until Mike looked at me with his loving eyes communicating to me without words... hence the tissue box on my lap.

I recall being rolled down the hallway, meeting the nurses in the operating room, being transferred to the surgical table and that's it. I woke up in the recovery area. Spent a couple of hours there before being transported to my room on the 8th floor. Which by the way had the most incredible view of Mt. Hood and the entire mountain range.

I kept referring to the hospital as a hotel... take a peek at my view + my room.

I had a fabulous view of Mt. Hood and Prune Hill. This is only about 1/3 of my panorama. 

I loved how organized the room was... 
 

 
The kids and I post op.

MIke and the kids came to see me later that evening. I know it was a bit scary for them to see me with an IV, oxygen tubes, leg compression machinery and lying half asleep dress in my hospital gown. I tried to muster up some energy to chat about all the medical devices, show them I'm ok, and give them some love. Annie immediately wanted to see my chest... of which I declined. I hadn't even seen it yet and wasn't about to mess with the bandages. Wes whispered to me asking if I felt like a boy. No, I don't I whispered back.

I called Mike later to check in... tell him goodnight. He told me that when Annie got in the car she cried. She didn't like the idea of me staying alone and thought I'd be scared.

On Saturday the kids had soccer games so I did my hospital thing... napping + watching chick flicks. I finally got to watch Julie + Julia. Here's the kids visiting during my meal time + taking over my tv. [just like home] This gave Mike and I a chance to walk the 8th floor, see the sunset, and just be.

 

I was very well taken care of. The nursing staff was wonderful, always being gentle + thoughtful. [I stayed for 2 nights] I appreciated the visits, the flowers, the messages of support. Once my best friend arrived I was ready to be discharged and head home. Of course the kids wanted to sit in the wheelchair before checking out... I drew the line at them pushing me.

pain in my a**

Last week I called my Colorectal Surgical Doctor (yes I have one of those) because this damn anal fissure hasn't healed. I'm SO tired of having bowel movements that result in me saying "f*ck and jesus" accompanied by foot stomping and sometimes tears. Yes I'm sharing my dark inner secrets, but if you've ever had one of these buggers you know the pain and if you know someone that has one you can feel empathy for them.

Today I saw Dr. Lange... and after bending over the exam table with my black pants at my ankles [bet you're glad it's me not you] I had a quick lesson in what a lateral internal sphincterotomy entails. [again bet you're glad it's me not you] I'm on the books for surgery tomorrow. I'll spare you the specifics but I will tell you it involves general anesthesia and I'm not a big fan of going under unless I have to. Apparently our bootie has lots of nerve endings and requires more than a local to get through the surgery. #oyvey

I'm also a bit concerned about the side effects of the surgery as it may cause me to lose a bit of control of my gas. [I best learn how to pretend it wasn't me or to always stand by the old guy in the elevator.]

the girls meet the boob doctor

Yesterday I took 'the girls' to meet the boob doctor. We've never been to see a plastic surgeon... hasn't been on my list of to-do's until they decided to try and kill me. I've been perfectly happy spending astronomical amounts on good bras to keep the girls high and tight. I even blogged about the importance of getting fitted and treating the girls with some respect. #gofigurebackstabbingboobies

My appointment went a bit like this...

Took the kidlets to a neighbors- how boring would this appointment have been for them. Replace boring with traumatizing.

Lisa picked me up Miss Daisy style and accompanied me to the office. After filling out more forms about my health (checked NO on everything but cancer #seriously) I was called into the doctors office... small, nicely decorated, photo album on desk full of breast before, during, afters. The assistant gave us the low down, then Dr. Gabriel brought it home... nice chit chat, good [stable] hands #thanksfornoticinghislisa and then the details.

He suggested I have expanders put in at the same time as my mastectomy. Expanders are basically small deflated beach balls that will have saline added to them to plump them up and in the process expand my skin enough to replace them down the road with implants. Sounds good... but I'm a bit skeptical that going the new route is better than the old route. Meaning this isn't the ol' standby routine for reconstruction. I've got to do a little more research, talk to a few more people, then make my decision. One of my hesitations is that I still need to do radiation, which really messes with my skin and it's strength to 'hold' the expander.

Following our chit chat consult I needed to take some pics... a girl needs before pictures right? I had to smirk to myself as the assistant had me pose in cheerleader like moves to take my shots- I did my best ;) Post photo shoot the doctor took my measurements, explained the process, and answered more questions.

I left with a cute lil' bag full of reading material and with my head spinning. I'm still in disbelief that I have to lose the girls and deal with this. #feelssoprimative

more side effects + a warning of too much information ahead

The side effects that I may not have mentioned... because sometimes it's just too much information. But since I vowed to be open and honest here goes. #rememberItoldyouso

Taxotere toes- random big bruises under my big toes- named after the med it spawns from. My Oncologist told me they really bother some people. Guess I'm not 'some people' because this is THE least of my worries. #cancertrumpsuglytoenails

Chills... i get chills. They aren't your normal chills- There is a bit of a stinging as my nerve endings have been damaged. It's not painful just odd. It doesn't last long.

Dry eyes- blinkity blink blink

Anemia- I'm now on iron pills to tackle this one.

Hot flashes and yes menopause. I KNOW really?! My OBGYN confirmed it- yes I'm menopausal. It's not just the chemo, I was headed there anyway. My hot flashes arrive in the early am, making sleeping difficult and a continuous hunt for the cold part of my pillow and sheets.

and the worst... and remember I warned you and it's embarrassing.
I have an anal fissure. #eekisright  That means it feels like I'm pooping glass chards and YES it's painful. I finally called the doctor about it, dealing with it via fiber-con, sitz baths and oinment and hoping it will heal ASAP. And I hope you don't ever get one.

Okay, I said it... that indeed may be my lowest moment on the internet. It best help someone so that my blush cheeks aren't for not.

day number...

One of the things you do when you have chemo treatments is count the days. As in the day of [chemo] treatment is Day 1.

My nausea meds are prescribed this way... first I take Emend on Day 2 + 3, then the following days I take Ondansetron. #thankgoodnesstheyworkwell

My bad day is Day 4, I thought it was going to be Day 5. [I hope this stays that way so I can 'prep' for it]

Day 14 I'm suppose to lose all my hair.

#Idon'twanttolosemyhair

Chemo Round 2... facing it

I've really been dreading this second round of chemo  It's the hard core round, the one with the red medicine that will kick me in the ass. #sothesurvivorstellme  I've been anxious about it, not sleeping as well as I should, fixated how the side effects of this treatment are tougher, feeling a bit sad + pity-party about it [I think that's why I've been quiet the past few days... on my blog that is]. I read the paperwork about my meds and paid close attention to the paragraphs on side effects: mouth sores #yuck, fatigue #dang, nausea #medsPLEASEwork, hair loss #bald #nothingsayscancerlikebald

I told my husband I don't want to be the sick mom this summer and he simply replied (gently reminded) that I am the sick mom this summer. Funny how his saying it gave me permission. Permission to have cancer this summer. Apparently I have cancer. #it'ssinkingin He also reminded me that I'm here. I NEEDED to hear that.

When Brandie picked me up this morning I was talking in slow-mo, unsure if I wanted coffee [I KNOW... something is really wrong when I waffle about a morning latte] and feeling anxious about getting chemo. Mind you I've already been down this path 12 times, but today was different. Different meds that will kill my cancer but take a bit of me in the process.

Immediately upon getting there I spotted another patient that looked hip, happy, probably wearing her big girl panties ;). When Brandie headed out for the lattes this gal struck up a conversation with me. It took all of 2 seconds for her to inspire me and realize that I can knock down these 4 hard core treatments and that going bald wasn't going to be so bad. She told me her story- colon cancer stage 4, fighting for 2 years, our kids aren't to far apart in age, and she was smiling. She had gotten some good news from her doctor :) She doesn't know how she made my day, made my next 12 weeks do-able. She empowered me and I NEEDED that.

While I was at chemo... my children spent the day with their teachers going to the zoo + doing a jet boat ride on the river. Incredible that I live in a community where my kidlet's teachers wanted to help me by spending the whole day with my children... summer just started for them and here they were, giving more of their time to enrich my children's lives. I'm so thankful and was relieved to have them looked after while I tackled my chemo. I NEEDED their help.

Sometimes you don't get what you want... you get what you need #rollingstones

Chemo Details:

Here's what I'm taking:
FEC
4 treatments taken every 3 weeks. So for the next 12 weeks I'll be doing chemo Round 2. I included links if you want to read more about these meds.

F = 5-fluorouracil aka 5-FU #nojoke more info

E = Epirubicin more info The red medicine

C = Cytoxan more info

I'll continue to get Herceptin.

A Few more pics from today

Brandie by my side for Chemo Round 2.1

Inspecting the 'red' meds, Epirubicin, and listening to my nurse Diana, regarding how she's going to administer these new meds. Below is my reaction to the whole admin process. Notice it's not a drip but a big vile of killer cancer chemo meds. #yuck

 

my feet tingle

I don't think I ever told you that one of the side effects of my chemo drug Taxol, is "peripheral neuropathy (numbness and tingling of the hands and feet). It's been going on since practically chemo one. [I take a a supplemant called Glutamine to help with it] Now with chemo 12 under my belt and Taxol a drug of the past [won't have it in round 2], I'm hoping the tingling goes. It will probably stop and I won't even notice that's it's gone.

But it feels odd. A bit like walking on the beach barefoot. Which is what I wanted to share with you when my hubby and I went to the beach and I posted something and said remind me to tell you about it! That post here In fact when I was walking on the beach I found it easier to walk and balance where the sand was packed down... Where the driftwood had taken root. I could balance. But I had to focus. It oddly reminded me of my journey with cancer...Trying to find the easiest path amongst shaky ground. Looking down not always looking up [girl needs to focus].

I also find the tingling odd when I lay in bed... my skin doesn't feel quite right on the sheets. My face feels different because my tingling fingers are touching it. I turned my hand over, touched my face and it felt fine. #odd

Typing on the computer is also a bit of a challenge. I miss keys.

So tingly-mingly... it too will stop and something new will take it's place. Such is Life.

i think it's time to call my doctor

To Happy Pill or not Happy Pill that is the question. Today I'm going to walk in the rain to see if I can get some endorphins to kick in. Wait... I can't walk in the rain because IT'S POURING like nobodies business.. AGAIN I may add. [we've had one day of sun in 21 days]

I'm dull, I want everything to go quicker so that it can officially be late enough to take my sleeping pills and go to bed. That I know isn't good. It's bad. It's what I would balk at if a girlfriend told me she was feeling that way. I would grab her cell phone + call the doctor's office for her. So why when it comes to myself am I a stalling. Why won't a good cup of coffee jolt me out of it? Why am I being so stubborn?

Damn. Damn Cancer. There I said it. My first curses at this disease that has twisted me into something I am not.... dull, ambivalent- wishing for time to go quickly. #soNOTme

After a tearful confession/discussion with my husband today about exactly how I've been feeling for the past week or so, I made a decision. I caved. I smartened up. I opened the bottle with the pink inked happy face on top. The one legally labeled Alprazolam generic for Xanax. Then I waited. And waited.

And it seems to be working. Here's what it feels like now.

I'm at my computer working. I'm doing something I've been putting off: dealing with my VIP Shebang financially draining program that I've been paying for but not charging people since my official diagnosis, when I decided to call it a sabbatical until I knew what I wanted to do. I know I want to help people but not have it cost me directly each month. So here I sit dealing with it. I'm not anxious about looking at the clock hoping time will pass. I'm doing. I'm working. I'm writing. #firsttimer

I'm not waiting for my husband to get home nor feel weird that he's not here.

I'm feel more like myself.

I'm not hyped, I'm not wiped. I'm not feeling nothing. Which is what I was beginning to feel and to be weepy. I'm not a weepy kind of gal. I'm checking my feelings and having self talks so that I can gauge my emotions.

So Happy Pills it is, I'll check in with my doctor tomorrow to make sure I'm taking the right med for the job and to make sure this doesn't become my 'new normal' but a stepping stone to get me back to feeling. Feeling a bit like a chica that has cancer and wants to put on her big girl panties + a cute comfy outfit so she can kick this in the ass and not be ass-kicked.

happy pills

I Have a bottle of happy pills. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer they were offered to me by my obgyn. At first I declined, then upon second thought and some gentle chit chat from my girlfriend, I had her call back on my behalf [i was driving] and accept the offer.

But there they have sat in my cute medicine container [here is that post]. The bottle has a pink sharpied happy face etched on top of the bottle. I've looked at them everyday but have yet to pop them open.

Last week I was tempted. I was feeling blah. I didn't want to do anything. Not open a magazine, read a book, chit chat, watch tv, sleep. I'm not comfortable. I just didn't want to do anything. But I'm restless. I want to do to just do.

When I met with my oncologogist this week and went through my 'list' of why I thought it might be time for the happy-pills, she clearly stated I had "fatigue".

WHAT?! I'm just plain ol' over-tired. As in go take a nap, stop putzing, stop doing laundry, stop trying to declutter every inch of my cancer-world. How can I be fatigued, I hardly do anything anymore?

Oh ya, I have those cancer-cell killing drugs running through my body. Odd how I could forget that the drugs that are killing my cancer are also killing my go-go, my up-and-at-em, tarnishing my super-mom cape. Darn them for not just targeting the cancer.

I've had to take a moment, ok several of them the past 2 days and remember to put on my big girl panties. To tell myself that fatigue sucks, but cancer sucks more. That I may be mopey + weepy, but I'm here with my family and I have an excuse to be nestled under the covers at 7pm or 3pm or 10:30am. But I'm restless. This doesn't work well for me.

ps. the happy sign is on hwy 101 on the oregon coast...nice reminder through a rain dropped car window [rain in all it's many forms]