krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

Proud... SO Very Proud

 
 
Annie age 8 and  Wes Colvin age 11, Recipients of the Courage of Lucy Award 2011

I am SO VERY PROUD of my children. Cancer can have my breasts, my hair, my 14 lymph nodes, my uterus... but it can't bring my kids down to your level- nope not these two.

The Courage of Lucy Award is given out to a student of Dorothy Fox Elementary School every year. Lucy Warren was a courageous 8 year old that lost all 3 of her older brothers and her father in a tragic private plane crash. Jack, Will and Rob Warren were 14, 13 and 9 when the plane plunged into the Columbia River the day after Thanksgiving in 1999. My son Wes was born soon after on New Year's Eve Dec. 31, 1999.

This story breaks my heart... When I first heard that Wes and Annie had been chosen I cried. When I called my husband to tell him I cried. Then I cried again thinking about Jack, Will, Rob, and Lucy and their mother... Thank You Geri Pope Bidwell for honoring those students that courageously walk the halls of Dorothy Fox when all is not perfect in their lives. Thank you Dorothy Fox staff for recognizing my children, for supporting them, for loving them. Mike and I are so thankful.

last day of radiation... through the eyes of my children

The night before my last radiation treatment, my daughter asked if she could go with me... "you know mom, to be there for this important moment". I immediately said 'sure!' then asked if my son wanted to go as well. I had already asked my husband, so now my LAST radiation treatment followed by the 'bell ringing' was to be a family moment forever etched in 'Flip' time.

I handed over the camera to the kids...

boy or girl

Today I had yet another doctor's appointment at 3:30 pm that in turn requires the kids to go home with classmates. I try to schedule my appointments to avoid this, but it's not easy, then again either is farming out two kids every time this happens. Which is often... just ask the parents of my kid's friends.

It's been 9 months since my diagnosis. My children have been strong. My children have been informed. My community has protected and nourished my children throughout my cancer journey. Their classmates have made me cards, looked me in the eye and said "I hope you get better soon" and delivered flowers to my hospital room. click here to read the related post

But one kid missed the memo.

The first thing my son said when he walked in the door was "Mom, this kid on the bus said something mean. He said he couldn't tell if you were a boy or girl."

UM, hold up now. I'm thinking all sorts of things but not saying them aloud. They ranged from, what a little shit to yeah, well I am looking a bit like a boy lately. I also wanted to grab the lil' shit by the scruff, drag him to his mama and let her know how mean her kidlet was, how insensitive, and down right uneducated. AND obviously this kid hasn't met my big brothers.

But.... in the 5 seconds all those things went through my mind I found my high-road mama voice and asked

"How did that make you feel?" Wes replied "Angry."

Without pausing I asked what he said to the 'mean kid'. Wes said "Wait till you get cancer."

WOW... so proud of how he handled it. After 9 months this is the first time either one of the kids have had their 'mama' attacked. This was something I thought may happen. This was one of the reasons why I asked the kids before going hat-less for breast cancer awareness month. click here to see that post  This is why I contacted the kid's teachers, coaches, school counselor, their friend's parents and neighbors when I was first diagnosed. I wanted the grown ups to help their children understand cancer and answer the questions their children may have. I wanted my children to feel comfortable talking about cancer. Whispering behind closed doors wasn't our mode-of-operi.

So boy or girl...Yes, this is something I look in the mirror and notice. I do look boyish. My hair doesn't scream girlie-girl. In fact I joke with my girlfriends that I may be mistaken for their partner. I'm practically identical twins with my big brother. I do look boyish. And that's just how it is. It's what I physically feared the most about cancer and yet am now comfortable with. In spite of my 'boyish' hair I've continued to choose to go hat-less. But the chicarita in me dons my big ol' hoops, dresses a bit more feminine and continues to wear lipstick because that's who I am.

I've also chosen to talk with my kids openly about all sorts of topics. Cancer being one of them... but I am also communicative about why his preschool friend has two moms, why the greeter at Target is overly friendly, and the bag boy at Safeway has large red areas of skin on his face. I pause movies to explain scenes and I make comments about the behavior of characters they watch on tv. I want my children to understand and be understanding.

I'm hoping that little boy (from the bus) walked in the door and the first thing he did was ask his mother "What's cancer?"

 

so what does a mama do days before her mastectomy...

So just what does a mama do to 'prep' before heading into surgery...

Laundry.

I've been asked several times how I feel about friday. I'm ok. I'm sometimes weepy. I'm prepping. As in getting my family ready to function without me.

Laundry is priority. Odd isn't it. How something so simple needs to be in order for a family to carry on. Soccer uniforms need to be ready to go and easily accessible. Favorite sweatshirts cleaned. Clean socks in the drawer.

I've made a list of details for my husband... it includes which child is going where, with whom, and how to contact them. He'll figure out the rest, he's smart.

I've stocked the freezer with a fresh bag o'chicken nuggets + fish sticks. The cupboard is full of cereal. There are enough goldfish to last 2 months. No one will starve. No one will care that there are no fresh vegetables.

I'm more focused or distracted by these types of details than my actual surgery. It's part of my hunker down, put on my blinders, just move forward attitude.

I'm a mom doing what needs to be done.

 

i made it

Last night was Labor Day, today the first day of school. I made it through the summer... this was the summer I was dreading. I didn't really know how round 2 of chemo was going to treat me and in turn how I was going to be as mom/summer cruise director. Thankfully the kids were often swept away by neighbors and camps. What was so incredibly helpful were the phone calls saying "Hey we're going to the pool, do Wes + Annie want to go". YES!!!! And THANK YOU!

The hardest days were the Wednesday + Thursday following my Monday Chemo treatments. I pretty much stayed in bed resting. Annie typically had an all day playmate with one of her besties and Wes would head over to his friend Isaac's for some sort of adventure. I slept and caught up with The Kardashians and the Food Network (not like I was going to cook anything, but it's fun to dream). I also looked forward to hearing the garage door open and seeing my hubby walk through the door. I think he got used to seeing me snuggle in bed as he left for work and returned home... not my pre-cancer behavior.

On the drive home from our last Summer hoorah (we took the kids to a water park) I breathed a sigh of relief, squeezed my husband's hand tight and shed a tear of relief. I made it. We made it. This is the summer mommy beat cancer.

favorite things...

Just before I KNEW #asinKNEWforsureIhadcancer I posted this on my Organize the Whole Shebang [march 5,2010] Blog. #seemsOHsoLOOOOONGago

I love all the comments that followed. I welcome you to add your own here on this site. #theybringsmiles #BIGsmiles 

I ran a similar post almost 2 years ago... And today I'm feeling anxious, not mopey. I'm awaiting results from a breast + lymph node biopsy. So far all indications have pointed toward something being wrong, so I've been prepping myself. click here for original post

I need to hear some good things while I wait...

This is also a little game that my daughter and I play at night when she needs a little help falling asleep. PLEASE ADD your own in the comments.  If you've never left a comment before it's easy, the system just wants you to verify a code so that the crazy virtual spammers can't leave weird crud on my blog.

1. Daffodils... lots of them clustered together
2. Late afternoon at Lake Tahoe in August
3. Finishing my tax return
4. Taking the scenic route
5. Walking through the forest at Camp Cispus
6. Dancing with my family on a Sunday morning
7. Singing really loud with the windows down and the sun shining
8. White tulips
9. A hazelnut latte
10. Captain Crunch Berries
11. Peaches and Cream
12. Bird nests

....these are a few of my favorite it things...

kill it.

On Friday the kids had a 'Pink Day' at their school. My friends Amy + Angela worked with the kids to paint the clothespins pink for the Camas GNO event. The principal took it a step further + invited the kids to wear PINK in support of women with breast cancer. When my cute lil' kidlets got off the bus on Friday... this is what awaited me! Both of their classes had taken it even a bit further...

  

   
 
 
I Love how this card from my son's class displays how my son depicts the steps of cancer. He recalled the info from watching the herceptin dvd.
 

But I must say this kid nailed it!
  

Mother's Day

 
  Mother's Day 2010

Wow... I went from selfish-it's-ALL-about-me-mother's-day-mode in 2008 [read here] to it's really NOT about me... but about my kids.

When the kids shared their cards + handmade gifts [they chose their words so carefully and colored each item just so] I not just teared... I cried.

BIG OL' TEARS of LOVE.

I couldn't even read aloud the card my husband gave me. His words were so appreciative and thoughtful.

Today I enjoyed my Mother's Day. I soaked in the love and the little things, was reminded of how in the past I've looked to my children + husband to deliver 'the-perfect' Mother's Day. Today unbeknownst to them, they were themselves + they delivered. I received.

 
side note [or yet an another entire blog post]

This morning I put on comfy sweats, cute but comfy. Then I changed. I changed into a dress... yes I own one- but you're right this is something new for me. I put on cute sandals. I debated how to wear my hair ;).  My daughter walked in + asked me to wear my wig. We had played around with it last night while our friends were over. But I wasn't expecting her to ask me to wear my wig. She also added something innocent about the bald spots showing. #yikes

I felt panic. I'm not ready to wear the wig. Not ready to worry if it will fall off. Not ready for the 'trial run'. My husband saw this and told Annie that mom was going to wear a hat. She was okay with that. She said she just wanted to see how the wig went with my outfit. #gifigurelilfashionista  But by this time I was resigned to move forward with the trial run. Then sighed [relief mostly] as I pulled off fake-betty and found my favorite summer hat. #decisionsdecisions

Annie came back into my room dressed in the closest thing possible to my dress. I loved it. I loved that she wanted to dress alike. #so80sLauraAshley We both donned our jean jackets over our white eyelet dresses, I in my summer hat + she with a flower daisy clip. #ilovehavingadaughter #ihopeshe'scancerfreeforerver

not so fine...

Yesterday I wasn't so F. I . N . E . 

I was more frazzled.  I was sad. I dealt with it in only the way I knew how to at that very moment.

I crawled back in bed, curled up + wept for a bit. #seeicry

My sweet lil' chicarita wasn't happy with her new hair cut [REALLY? Cause I'm LOSING my flipping hair + you have the cutest, sassiest bob that a mama can get ya from Super Cuts].  My son decided he wanted to play football instead of soccer + didn't have his homework done. [ummm NO soccer tryouts are today + I already paid the money + you are going to be on a team where i know the parents + that is PRICELESS right now] And hubby had a nail in his tire + needed a ride to work. [hop in handsome- need a ride]

Is it wrong to throw out the cancer card? I did anyway. I tried to be gentle.

'mommy is sad she's losing her hair. so it makes me sad that you don't like your hair cut' blah blah blah. #fucki'mreallylosingmyhair

'mommy really needs 'normal' in our lives... so doing your homework like you normally do- after school, is more normal than freaking out about it in the morning before school' #bringbacknormal

But when mama isn't fine no one is fine.

 

ps: there was so much more to this day.... my girlfriends made incredible meals for me, i went wig shopping with my lil' chicarita, i sang tom petty with my sunroof open.  i'll write about these later- but the 'notes' are in my twitter stream [you can read these over in the right column] along with my facebook updates.

 

unchartered waters

It isn't just about me...
 

 It's about us.

Who knows exactly how this will affect my kids... I can tell you now that the first month, which I've dubbed the diagnosis month, is much different from this month, which I've dubbed treatment. The flurry of activity ranging from phone calls to flowers to last minute 'play dates' [so that mommy can go to another doctor appointment] affected them. They noticed. Of course they did. That's what kids do. 

They observe.

They react.

 

They rally.

Just like my family, girlfriends, neighbors, facebook friends, twitter community, colleagues, former students,  + community have.

Because it's not about me, it's about us.