krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

simple milestones...

 

For those of you without cancer... or cancer without hair loss, you may not fully appreciate why I would take a picture of myself with a towel on my head. Even a photo sans eye glasses where I look cross eyed.

For the majority of my cancer journey I didn't want to get in the shower. Then when I did...I didn't want to get out. I wanted to stay in that safe place forever. Or maybe I just didn't want to face drying off and losing more hair. I lingered forever... feeling wasteful yet not really giving a shit either.

Months after chemo my hair started to grow back... I dried off quickly just rubbing the towel over my new hair. I felt like a boy in a gym shower toweling off... like the ones I've seen on tv. I fielded the comments about how nice it must be to not have to do my hair. Meaningful banter... not hateful and not taken that way. As my hair grew a tad longer and started to fill in, people that didn't know me thought my hair was edgy + hip. I smiled and took the compliment though sometimes I spilled the beans. I have this uncanny need to do that.

My hair went curly... and I learned to use product to tame it. I trimmed my sides.  I wanted to avoid the whole Chemo-Fro look and was determined not to let cancer dictate my new look. I wanted control.

Now I hop in the shower without contemplation. I tackle my shower routine... shampoo, soap up, rinse, condition, shave, rinse and grab a hand towel to wrap around my head.

Simple Milestones. Simple milestones that exude normalcy. Welcome back lil' white towel. Welcome back.

for previous posts on 'chemo hair' click here

who knew?

I've heard the words "who knew?!" many a'time the past couple of months...

"Who knew your hair would look good short!"

"Who knew your head was shaped so nicely?"

I was secretly thrilled when I took the kids for their wellness check-up and the nurse told me how cute my hair was... I confessed and replied WHO knew?"

Last summer as my hair was falling out... I calculated when it would return. "The" rule of thumb is 2-3 months after your last chemo treatment. For me that was August 23rd. I hoped I'd have hair for Christmas. I heard it would grow out curly, even kinky... I heard it may come back different colors. Possilby gray. #cruel

I checked my scalp daily... surely it wouldn't take that long. But somewhere between October 15th, my mastectomy date, and now, it grew.

It's brown, slightly lighter than before and without lucious curls, no kinks, no grays. I'm considering staying short. In fact long hair is kind of grossing me out... #sideeffectmaybe #compensate

NeVah-evAH did I think my hair post chemo would look in some ways better than it looked in my classy, sassy bobb. I was worried I'd look like my big brother... boyish. So I compensate... I wear girly clothes, lipstick and earings. But as you'll see below in my video clip I've got very little of that going on... I was getting ready for bed, fussing with my hair, and decided to attempt my first Flip video.

Today is December 31st. Welcome to my bathroom and my first vlogging attempt. #santabroughtusaFlipforChristmas

p.s. cheers to 2011!

   

boy or girl

Today I had yet another doctor's appointment at 3:30 pm that in turn requires the kids to go home with classmates. I try to schedule my appointments to avoid this, but it's not easy, then again either is farming out two kids every time this happens. Which is often... just ask the parents of my kid's friends.

It's been 9 months since my diagnosis. My children have been strong. My children have been informed. My community has protected and nourished my children throughout my cancer journey. Their classmates have made me cards, looked me in the eye and said "I hope you get better soon" and delivered flowers to my hospital room. click here to read the related post

But one kid missed the memo.

The first thing my son said when he walked in the door was "Mom, this kid on the bus said something mean. He said he couldn't tell if you were a boy or girl."

UM, hold up now. I'm thinking all sorts of things but not saying them aloud. They ranged from, what a little shit to yeah, well I am looking a bit like a boy lately. I also wanted to grab the lil' shit by the scruff, drag him to his mama and let her know how mean her kidlet was, how insensitive, and down right uneducated. AND obviously this kid hasn't met my big brothers.

But.... in the 5 seconds all those things went through my mind I found my high-road mama voice and asked

"How did that make you feel?" Wes replied "Angry."

Without pausing I asked what he said to the 'mean kid'. Wes said "Wait till you get cancer."

WOW... so proud of how he handled it. After 9 months this is the first time either one of the kids have had their 'mama' attacked. This was something I thought may happen. This was one of the reasons why I asked the kids before going hat-less for breast cancer awareness month. click here to see that post  This is why I contacted the kid's teachers, coaches, school counselor, their friend's parents and neighbors when I was first diagnosed. I wanted the grown ups to help their children understand cancer and answer the questions their children may have. I wanted my children to feel comfortable talking about cancer. Whispering behind closed doors wasn't our mode-of-operi.

So boy or girl...Yes, this is something I look in the mirror and notice. I do look boyish. My hair doesn't scream girlie-girl. In fact I joke with my girlfriends that I may be mistaken for their partner. I'm practically identical twins with my big brother. I do look boyish. And that's just how it is. It's what I physically feared the most about cancer and yet am now comfortable with. In spite of my 'boyish' hair I've continued to choose to go hat-less. But the chicarita in me dons my big ol' hoops, dresses a bit more feminine and continues to wear lipstick because that's who I am.

I've also chosen to talk with my kids openly about all sorts of topics. Cancer being one of them... but I am also communicative about why his preschool friend has two moms, why the greeter at Target is overly friendly, and the bag boy at Safeway has large red areas of skin on his face. I pause movies to explain scenes and I make comments about the behavior of characters they watch on tv. I want my children to understand and be understanding.

I'm hoping that little boy (from the bus) walked in the door and the first thing he did was ask his mother "What's cancer?"

 

badge of honor

Poolside in Vegas

A couple of months ago I was chatting long distance with my girlfriend Cheryl. She's an old h.s. friend... and a romanticist, which I treasure about her. I was going on about losing my hair, wearing wigs or hats blah blah blah. Cheryl simple stated that if she was going through, what I'm going through, she would wear her bald head as a badge of honor.

Her words permeated with me. They have transformed my bald-headed embarrassment into an opportunity to make people aware of breast cancer...

My head is my pink ribbon.

But can I go the whole day, a week, the entire month of October for breast cancer awareness without a hat, a scarf, a wig?

I'm pondering the idea. And it scares the crap out of me.

I barely have the courage to take off my hat in public. Yes I briefly take it off, give my over heated body some relief, but I do so quickly. I do so timidly. I do so somewhat privately. I do it when it's safe. I do it when few people are around.

It's not easy for me.

Cheryl called it my badge of honor... I think it's my responsibility, my honor to educate, to continue teaching.

It's much, much easier for me to bare my soul than to go bare headed. But I'm seriously considering it, because it just may help others take their own breast health seriously.

It may just be the in-your-face reminder to call and schedule your mammogram.

It may just give you the kick-in-the-spanx to do your monthly self exam.

It may just save your life. That's no little just. #Itsavedmine.

he [really] did it

  My big brother, Eugene, sporting some big girl panties.

Yesterday [click here] I mentioned my big brother brought me to tears when he came out wearing a pair of big girl panties... Now I have proof and his permission to post this picture! #canyoubelievehegavemepermission?!

I can't believe I posted a pic of me in my bathing suit, then again i can't believe I have cancer or that I'm sporting a peach-fuzzy hair do.

Note the view from sunglasses... ahhh Lake Tahoe how I adore you. #Iadoremybigbrothertoo

I [finally] did it

 

Louie's Classic Barber Shop, Incline Village, Nevada [Lake Tahoe]

I finally went in and had my scraggly hair cut off. It was time.

As I sat in the chair I felt anxious, then teary eyed. But as soon as Louie got going I was fine. I was ready. My hair has been slowly falling out for months now. I'm lucky it hung on for so long. But I was hesitant to remove my hat when I was hot, only doing so in the car or in my home. Now... I'm good. It's easier [mentally] to have people look at me and think 'cancer' than to look and say 'bad hair'. #vainYes 

Louie, the barber, told me he could see new hair growing in... seriously?! He suggested I massage my scalp as well as lightly use a soft hair brush to stimulate growth. I also found out his nieces live in my lil' ol' town of Camas, Washington. #smallworld

My big brother and sister-in-law went with me, then when we got back to our condo [we're in Lake Tahoe] my big bro disappeared for a moment and emerged wearing a pair of big girl panties [courtesy of my mama]. I laughed and cried... #hoorayforbigbrothers #biggirlpanties

My husband told me he loves me now more than he's ever loved me and my daughter told me I was beautiful. #i'maluckygirl

I sat on the beach with my bald self and soaked it all in. I'm good. Bald but good.

the glasses help

July 29th, 2010 week 22- end of month 5 

  

Thought I'd just put it out there... no lashes, brows gone, skin's still lookin' good, hair is thin, thin, thin but I still have 'enough' to poke out of my hat and fake some people out. In the pic I'm sporting a bandanna type of thing that I like to wear around the house + sometimes out in public but I think it makes me look like I have cancer...and gives me a hippy-chic boho look of which I appreciate on others but not so much on me ;) [hence the pearl earings to balance things out]

 

I thought I would dread the no eyelash, brow thing. I'm surprisingly ok with it. I think I look like I have no makeup on or just woke up. Typically in the summer I don't wear makeup so it's not much of a stretch. I have opted [on some days] to draw in some brows and add eyeliner to define my eyes. I'm not wanting to fuss with fake lashes. It just seems like it will be a pain and who really cares. I think just about everyone in my life knows I have cancer so I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes. The brow makeup was totally new to me. I have, ok had, great brows.[In junior high my mom rubbed my brows and asked me if I put anything in them. I thought 'what the hell is she doing and why would anyone put anything in their brows'.] #callmebrookeshields  Now that I take a moment to study everyone's eye brows I realize I'm not alone in the no-brow club.

 

What I don't like is how I look when I take my hat or bandanna off + see it in combo with my lack of hair. In fact I'm very aware of it in public. When my head gets hot + sweaty I may excuse myself to the restroom and 'air out' for a moment then put my hat back on before returning to the outside world. See... this is what I'm talking about. #eek #notmybestlook

 

There I did it, I came clean with my current look. This is why I like to wear a hat!

On the bright side... I am thankful it's summer. My skin has a bit of color deeming me 'healthy looking'. My sunglasses hide my eyes [brows + all] and my glasses continue to define my face and somewhat diminish the effects of chemo. #whenbadeyesightcomesinhandy #theglasseshelp

 

 

 

 

i still have hair

I'm a bit befuddled... I still have hair [not a lot mind you] and it's day something-or-another. It's not coming out in clumps... it's just shedding a little. I feel a bit like I'm past my 'due date', but I'm not an angry pregnant woman wishing for something to happen. I'm relieved and befuddled. #isBefuddledevenarealword

mind games

A few weeks ago I decided to walk around the track while my son had soccer practice. Typically there would be another mama to walk with but today I was walkin' solo. About a lap into in I started to feel all debby downer about losing my hair. I started to cry. So in order to 'buck-up' I played a mind game. It went something like this is...

At least I don't have _______________ [fill in the blank with something worse than what i'm going through]
"At least I don't have a sick child"
"At least I'm not going to die from this"
"At least I'm not in pain"

or my other take on it

At least it's not _____________________ [fill in the blank with something more trivial but meaningful]
for example I would say "At least it's NOT raining".

It took about a lap and a half for me to finish my mind game. But I finished and moved on.

anticipation

Day 14 was yesterday. That was the day my hair was supposed to start coming out in clumps. It didn't.

I've been 'waiting' for the inevitable, as if I'm pregnant and walking around thinking my water is going to break any minute. #thankgodi'mnotpreggo

I'm not weepy about it, well I was 2 weeks ago.  What I have been is anxious. I'm hesitant to wash my hair. I'm hesitant to run my fingers through my hair. I'm hesitant to itch my scalp, thinking THIS is the moment.

I keep thinking I'll wake up and there will be hair on my pillow, lots of it. Or on my face. Or when I do itch my scalp, while sitting there watching my son's all star little league game, that a clump o'hair will choose to come out then + there.

I've tried to 'prep' or plan. I've got my wigs lined up, my scarves ready to go. I 'practiced' last week putting my scarves on + getting the turban wrap thing down. I've even popped into the barber shop to chat with Carla about clipping/shaving my head. She's been there herself.

I went from wanting to having a head shaving, champagne sipping, girlfriend event at my hair salon to a 'just do it' quiet + get it done moment. I've thought of having my kids come but decided it will be a bit traumatic for them. I may even have myself a margarita next door before + after this 'moment' or not.

I also wonder if I'll be different and not lose all of my hair. #wishfulthinking

I'm anxious for the moment because I can't control it.