krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

badge of honor

Poolside in Vegas

A couple of months ago I was chatting long distance with my girlfriend Cheryl. She's an old h.s. friend... and a romanticist, which I treasure about her. I was going on about losing my hair, wearing wigs or hats blah blah blah. Cheryl simple stated that if she was going through, what I'm going through, she would wear her bald head as a badge of honor.

Her words permeated with me. They have transformed my bald-headed embarrassment into an opportunity to make people aware of breast cancer...

My head is my pink ribbon.

But can I go the whole day, a week, the entire month of October for breast cancer awareness without a hat, a scarf, a wig?

I'm pondering the idea. And it scares the crap out of me.

I barely have the courage to take off my hat in public. Yes I briefly take it off, give my over heated body some relief, but I do so quickly. I do so timidly. I do so somewhat privately. I do it when it's safe. I do it when few people are around.

It's not easy for me.

Cheryl called it my badge of honor... I think it's my responsibility, my honor to educate, to continue teaching.

It's much, much easier for me to bare my soul than to go bare headed. But I'm seriously considering it, because it just may help others take their own breast health seriously.

It may just be the in-your-face reminder to call and schedule your mammogram.

It may just give you the kick-in-the-spanx to do your monthly self exam.

It may just save your life. That's no little just. #Itsavedmine.

inner voice

When I really take the time to listen to myself the answer is always there. I didn't used to listen to my inner voice. I would drown it out and do something anyway irregardless of whether or not I REALLY felt like or wanted to do it. For example, a very simple example... when the phone would ring, I'd always answer it. I'd carry on a conversation even if I wasn't in a talking mood or if I had some task I needed to accomplish. This changed when I called my girlfriend Danielle and she kindly excused herself from chatting since she wasn't really up for it at the moment. BAM... how liberating. How mature. How honest. I learned a valuable lesson. A simple yet empowering lesson. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today I took the time to listen to my inner voice. It said no, it's not the right time. I was in talks with a local entrepreneur about doing some work... I deemed it a great opportunity but found I was dragging my feet when pressed to follow through. I still have a lot of cancer crap ahead of me getting in the way of bringing my 'A' game to the table. I finally made the call to decline.

Saying no doesn't come easy. I've seen it over and over again with my female clients and girlfriends- it's like we are on auto pilot to say 'yes' even if we don't have the time or energy to swing it. We somehow feel guilty for saying no. We need to get over that... for the sakes or ourselves, our sanity, our families. I learned to replace 'yes' with "let me think about it". Then think, I would... ponder, process, and make an honest decision. My inner voice is smart, wise, and keeps me in check... just like Danielle.

Obladi Oblada

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about getting out there and dancing in the rain. -author unknown

When I was teaching high school marketing at Mercer Island [seattle area] I had a Zig Ziglar quote on my wall. "It's not your aptitude but your attitude that determines your altitude".  A bit cheesy but it got the point across. I wonder how many of my 'kids' took it to heart.

I choose to make lemonade. #9outof10times Maybe it was the poster Ms. Demarco had on her wall in my 4th grade math class "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" or the playing of the song "Obladi Olbada life goes on". Either way... the sum of all those words have sunk in and I am thankful for that.

 

junkie

I'm not a pill taker... scratch that, I wasn't a pill taker. Now I think I've entered junkie status. I take a plethora of vitamins that the doctors have ordered...each to aid in my healing and/or support the effects of chemo on my body. But the little white pill I depend upon, she's crossed the line and when the bottle gets low I make sure she gets filled in a timely manner. #likepronto

She helps me sleep. She helps me dose off at night. She helps me cope the next day because she' s worked her magic in my sleep. She's a sleeping pill and I've never taken them prior to this whole cancer thing. In fact I didn't even want to really take her at all but if there is any time in my life that I can justify her use it's now. Of course it took several girlfriends to remind me that indeed I have cancer and that getting rest at night is a big part of my healing. #justifying

My obgyn prescribed Zolpidem/Ambien when I was first diagnosed. I didn't need it at first. When I began my first round of chemo I thrived on the steroids they gave me and enjoyed the huge boost of energy. I wanted to be awake because I had things to do. I didn't mind waking up at 3am because I could put on my robe and bust out a blog post. I felt like it. The scales were tipped in favor of the roids [over the chemo]. #goroids

Then the scales balanced themselves. No longer did the roids give me a hyper-boost. The chemo started to weigh on me. I needed my sleep. I needed to fall asleep. I needed to stay asleep. I needed some help.

My prescription was for one pill per night, but soon I was waking up staring at the ceiling and dealing with hot flashes. My ob said I could take 2 pills. Soon my pills were gone and when I went to refill them is when I realized I may have hit junkie status. The pharmacist was unable to refill my prescription because 'it wasn't time" "it shows you should still have pills". #panic

I felt like a complete and utter junkie...because damnit, I needed those pills. I was having chemo the next day and knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. And that's just not acceptable. I must have my pills. #junkie I told the pharmacist that my doctor had told me I could take two... thank goodness he's heard this before and has solved this problem. He said my doctor would need to adjust my prescription to the higher dosage. And just like that he had a call into my doctor to up the anty. I was fine, panic over. #closecall #ZZZzzzZZZZ

I'm not crazy... chemo and cancer really do mess with your sleep http://curetoday.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/article.show/id/2/article_id/1418  Thanks to my girl Lani at Chemo Babe for the info.

race for the cure...or not

I've never done a walk or a race, unless you count the one I did in junior high which WAS a whopping 20 mile walk-a-thon. But for the past several years when asked if I'd like to run a marathon I reply with much certainty that I'll be 'the one sitting at the corner cafe with a cocktail in my hand cheering you on as you run by'. #i'magoodfriend

When the Portland Race for the Cure came up in conversation, I hesitated but told my friend Tina that if we created a team I didn't want it to be for me, but for all the women of Clark County. Over 600 will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. Somehow it was easier to consider walking if it was for someone else.

But when the time came... I bailed. I couldn't talk myself into doing it. I registered, I registered my husband and my kids. But I really couldn't wrap my mind around it.

When I was first diagnosed I put it out there on facebook. An old high school classmate sent me an instant message saying she was going to add my name to her hat as she ran a race supporting breast cancer. I freaked inside... I wasn't ready for anyone to walk for me. I do the walking. [so to speak, since I don't actually do walks, but you know what I mean]. I wasn't ready to be on the other side. This haunted/taunted me for days.

When I registered for the race there was a box to click if you were a breast cancer survivor. Well... not yet, but where is the 'fighter' box? I clicked the box anyway as I'm optimistic. There was a brochure to click on to get info about parking and where to check in. I started to feel overwhelmed. Every time I thought about the race I got a bit anxious and didn't want to figure out the details. The vicodin may have contributed a bit as I was still healing/am healing from the whole anal fissure surgery thing [which by the way is much better thank you very much]

The night before the race it was pouring outside which only added to my list of reasons why I didn't really want to head out to downtown Portland to race. But I knew other people would be there, those girlfriends that have supported my journey. They were planning on being there rain or shine to walk in my honor. I began feeling guilty. I called Shawna as we were planning on going together. She talked me through it... meaning the guilt washed away.

I guess part of putting on your big girl panties is making decisions that are best for you, not out of guilt. I did feel a tad guilty when my personal trainer Casey called post race and caught me eating an apple fritter and sipping on a sugar laden latte while on the sidelines of my son's soccer game ;) #lifeasiknowit

Next year chicas... I'll be cancer free, fancy free, and promise to not be sitting on the sidelines but joining you in celebrating those before me and raising money for those after me. Rain or Shine.

"you sound good!"

I always think it's a bit funny when I talk to someone on the phone and they say "You sound good!". Of course I do chica... cancer doesn't have a sound- it's silent, it's sneaky. I don't feel sick, sick is coughing, aching, nose blowing. My cancer is silent, it doesn't have a voice or maybe I won't let it have one. #silenttreatment

But...it happened again yesterday when my best friend Diane told me I sounded good... she was checking in to see how I was doing post sphincterotomy surgery... I smuggly replied "of course I do I'm not talking out of my ass!" ;) #justkickingsome #thingsyoucansaytoyourbestfriend #couldn'tresist

AMNW interview

 
A couple of weeks ago while I was at the [dreaded] skate park with the kids... I had a call from Helen Raptis, host of our local morning show AM Northwest. Helen wanted to know if I'd be up for a personal interview regarding my journey with breast cancer. Since I'm pretty much an open book my answer was yes... but this interview wasn't in the studio like my past appearances- it was in my home, the home that I've been letting go to pieces because I'd rather nap than pick up after everyone. Ok... my house hasn't gotten that bad, at least I picked some fresh flowers from the yard to make my interview spot look more like a set that Barbara Walters would use ;). OH... and it didn't take much for the tears to flow either.

click here to watch the interview

pain in my a**

Last week I called my Colorectal Surgical Doctor (yes I have one of those) because this damn anal fissure hasn't healed. I'm SO tired of having bowel movements that result in me saying "f*ck and jesus" accompanied by foot stomping and sometimes tears. Yes I'm sharing my dark inner secrets, but if you've ever had one of these buggers you know the pain and if you know someone that has one you can feel empathy for them.

Today I saw Dr. Lange... and after bending over the exam table with my black pants at my ankles [bet you're glad it's me not you] I had a quick lesson in what a lateral internal sphincterotomy entails. [again bet you're glad it's me not you] I'm on the books for surgery tomorrow. I'll spare you the specifics but I will tell you it involves general anesthesia and I'm not a big fan of going under unless I have to. Apparently our bootie has lots of nerve endings and requires more than a local to get through the surgery. #oyvey

I'm also a bit concerned about the side effects of the surgery as it may cause me to lose a bit of control of my gas. [I best learn how to pretend it wasn't me or to always stand by the old guy in the elevator.]

i made it

Last night was Labor Day, today the first day of school. I made it through the summer... this was the summer I was dreading. I didn't really know how round 2 of chemo was going to treat me and in turn how I was going to be as mom/summer cruise director. Thankfully the kids were often swept away by neighbors and camps. What was so incredibly helpful were the phone calls saying "Hey we're going to the pool, do Wes + Annie want to go". YES!!!! And THANK YOU!

The hardest days were the Wednesday + Thursday following my Monday Chemo treatments. I pretty much stayed in bed resting. Annie typically had an all day playmate with one of her besties and Wes would head over to his friend Isaac's for some sort of adventure. I slept and caught up with The Kardashians and the Food Network (not like I was going to cook anything, but it's fun to dream). I also looked forward to hearing the garage door open and seeing my hubby walk through the door. I think he got used to seeing me snuggle in bed as he left for work and returned home... not my pre-cancer behavior.

On the drive home from our last Summer hoorah (we took the kids to a water park) I breathed a sigh of relief, squeezed my husband's hand tight and shed a tear of relief. I made it. We made it. This is the summer mommy beat cancer.