I've never done a walk or a race, unless you count the one I did in junior high which WAS a whopping 20 mile walk-a-thon. But for the past several years when asked if I'd like to run a marathon I reply with much certainty that I'll be 'the one sitting at the corner cafe with a cocktail in my hand cheering you on as you run by'. #i'magoodfriend
When the Portland Race for the Cure came up in conversation, I hesitated but told my friend Tina that if we created a team I didn't want it to be for me, but for all the women of Clark County. Over 600 will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. Somehow it was easier to consider walking if it was for someone else.
But when the time came... I bailed. I couldn't talk myself into doing it. I registered, I registered my husband and my kids. But I really couldn't wrap my mind around it.
When I was first diagnosed I put it out there on facebook. An old high school classmate sent me an instant message saying she was going to add my name to her hat as she ran a race supporting breast cancer. I freaked inside... I wasn't ready for anyone to walk for me. I do the walking. [so to speak, since I don't actually do walks, but you know what I mean]. I wasn't ready to be on the other side. This haunted/taunted me for days.
When I registered for the race there was a box to click if you were a breast cancer survivor. Well... not yet, but where is the 'fighter' box? I clicked the box anyway as I'm optimistic. There was a brochure to click on to get info about parking and where to check in. I started to feel overwhelmed. Every time I thought about the race I got a bit anxious and didn't want to figure out the details. The vicodin may have contributed a bit as I was still healing/am healing from the whole anal fissure surgery thing [which by the way is much better thank you very much]
The night before the race it was pouring outside which only added to my list of reasons why I didn't really want to head out to downtown Portland to race. But I knew other people would be there, those girlfriends that have supported my journey. They were planning on being there rain or shine to walk in my honor. I began feeling guilty. I called Shawna as we were planning on going together. She talked me through it... meaning the guilt washed away.
I guess part of putting on your big girl panties is making decisions that are best for you, not out of guilt. I did feel a tad guilty when my personal trainer Casey called post race and caught me eating an apple fritter and sipping on a sugar laden latte while on the sidelines of my son's soccer game ;) #lifeasiknowit
Next year chicas... I'll be cancer free, fancy free, and promise to not be sitting on the sidelines but joining you in celebrating those before me and raising money for those after me. Rain or Shine.