Today I feel like I have cancer. I woke up nauseated. I took my meds, they took a while to kick in. I wondered how long I'd be sick if I got sick. Thankfully I didn't have to find out.
I've been tired all day. Not myself. Thankful that my best friend is here for a few days to help, and she is. Just having her answer the phone or play a game of cards with my daughter is so helpful.
I'm hoping today is my 'bad day' but I won't know until tomorrow.
I wanted to let all of you know how much your comments mean to me. Support, wisdom, different perspectives... that's so important to me.
I have my comments set up to go to my email, so I receive them as they come in on my iPhone. Sometimes I'm just waiting in line at the grocery store or flitting around my house but I read them and smile, read them and ponder, read them and feel your support.
My former student Jennifer left a comment on yesterday's post and it really helped me put things into perspective. I've been looking at my meds the wrong way. Jen helped remind me that the meds are on my team. I now picture the 'scary' red, Epirubicin as My 'girlfriend in a red dress' helping me kick my cancer in the ass. I needed that kick in the ass, I needed to put on my big girl panties and look at things in a new light. Thank you Jennifer.
Thank you, Thank You so much for taking a moment to say what your thinking + feeling. I appreciate your time and your good thoughts.
I've really been dreading this second round of chemo It's the hard core round, the one with the red medicine that will kick me in the ass. #sothesurvivorstellme I've been anxious about it, not sleeping as well as I should, fixated how the side effects of this treatment are tougher, feeling a bit sad + pity-party about it [I think that's why I've been quiet the past few days... on my blog that is]. I read the paperwork about my meds and paid close attention to the paragraphs on side effects: mouth sores #yuck, fatigue #dang, nausea #medsPLEASEwork, hair loss #bald #nothingsayscancerlikebald
I told my husband I don't want to be the sick mom this summer and he simply replied (gently reminded) that I am the sick mom this summer. Funny how his saying it gave me permission. Permission to have cancer this summer. Apparently I have cancer. #it'ssinkingin He also reminded me that I'm here. I NEEDED to hear that.
When Brandie picked me up this morning I was talking in slow-mo, unsure if I wanted coffee [I KNOW... something is really wrong when I waffle about a morning latte] and feeling anxious about getting chemo. Mind you I've already been down this path 12 times, but today was different. Different meds that will kill my cancer but take a bit of me in the process.
Immediately upon getting there I spotted another patient that looked hip, happy, probably wearing her big girl panties ;). When Brandie headed out for the lattes this gal struck up a conversation with me. It took all of 2 seconds for her to inspire me and realize that I can knock down these 4 hard core treatments and that going bald wasn't going to be so bad. She told me her story- colon cancer stage 4, fighting for 2 years, our kids aren't to far apart in age, and she was smiling. She had gotten some good news from her doctor :) She doesn't know how she made my day, made my next 12 weeks do-able. She empowered me and I NEEDED that.
While I was at chemo... my children spent the day with their teachers going to the zoo + doing a jet boat ride on the river. Incredible that I live in a community where my kidlet's teachers wanted to help me by spending the whole day with my children... summer just started for them and here they were, giving more of their time to enrich my children's lives. I'm so thankful and was relieved to have them looked after while I tackled my chemo. I NEEDED their help.
Sometimes you don't get what you want... you get what you need #rollingstones
Here's what I'm taking:
4 treatments taken every 3 weeks. So for the next 12 weeks I'll be doing chemo Round 2. I included links if you want to read more about these meds.
F = 5-fluorouracil aka 5-FU #nojoke more info
E = Epirubicin more info The red medicine
C = Cytoxan more info
I'll continue to get Herceptin.
A Few more pics from today
Inspecting the 'red' meds, Epirubicin, and listening to my nurse Diana, regarding how she's going to administer these new meds. Below is my reaction to the whole admin process. Notice it's not a drip but a big vile of killer cancer chemo meds. #yuck