krista colvin's [putting on my big girl panties + kicking breast cancer in the ass]

so much to write... but my sleeping pills are kicking in...

When I first heard about blogging I figured I'd be no good at it... I may 'drink + blog' and what an utter disaster that could be for my business. Flash forward 4 years and you've got a new non biz blog with a chica popping meds to handle the pain of my 'fake tatas' a following up those narcotics with sleeping pills so that I don't have crazy dreams from the pain killers....

But as you can see I'm now over the stigma of pill popping because 1. these are prescription 2. I am in pain. 3. I'm considering this the 'low' and appreciate there are meds to help me out of this medical low.

Today I saw the Physical Therapist... I look forward to the visits as her hands are somehow magical and with barely a touch she has my pecs stretched out and feeling grand. I've got to get these stretches down... I'm tired of the discomfort that comes along with missing lymph nodes and having expanders under my pecs to increase the chest size for the real 'girls' I get later.

I see my boob doctor tomorrow. The plan is to deflate 1 or maybe both of the expanded girls for my round with radiation. It's just easier to zap me when they lay flat and don't move around. I'm not quite sure what the deflated girls are going to look like... quite possibly they'll resemble my saggy chicaritas pre mastectomy. #ofcoursei'llgiveyoudetailslater

The following day I'll be seeing the Radiation Oncologist to get 'marked' for radiation treatment. Basically I'll get zapped in the same areas for 6 weeks m-f.  This should keep the lil' cancer f*ckers from returning.  The schedule however will keep me on my toes as daily radiation appointments will continue right on through winter break and into my son's birthday, my husband's birthday and my birthday.

Time to hit the hay and hope that I can sleep on my side tonight... even if it's just for a bit.

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving

So much to be thankful for...

My cancer is gone, but it's the little things I keep thinking about.

The neighbors that brought me dinner the nights I couldn't even think about eating but needed to feed my family.

The moms that called and offered to take my children with them when they were headed to the pool, or the park, or just have them over to play.

The thoughtful cards, the instant messages, the texts, voice mails, and emails just saying you were thinking of me.

The personalized gifts, beautiful flowers, funny cards.

Rides to my appointments.

It's always been the little things. The little things that drive me crazy and the little things that keep me sane. I have so many little things to be thankful for.

I could write a book about all the little things my girlfriends and community have done to support me... but right now, this very minute I'm going to log off and spend time with my husband watching one of 'our shows', because it's these little moments together that we will remember.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

boy or girl

Today I had yet another doctor's appointment at 3:30 pm that in turn requires the kids to go home with classmates. I try to schedule my appointments to avoid this, but it's not easy, then again either is farming out two kids every time this happens. Which is often... just ask the parents of my kid's friends.

It's been 9 months since my diagnosis. My children have been strong. My children have been informed. My community has protected and nourished my children throughout my cancer journey. Their classmates have made me cards, looked me in the eye and said "I hope you get better soon" and delivered flowers to my hospital room. click here to read the related post

But one kid missed the memo.

The first thing my son said when he walked in the door was "Mom, this kid on the bus said something mean. He said he couldn't tell if you were a boy or girl."

UM, hold up now. I'm thinking all sorts of things but not saying them aloud. They ranged from, what a little shit to yeah, well I am looking a bit like a boy lately. I also wanted to grab the lil' shit by the scruff, drag him to his mama and let her know how mean her kidlet was, how insensitive, and down right uneducated. AND obviously this kid hasn't met my big brothers.

But.... in the 5 seconds all those things went through my mind I found my high-road mama voice and asked

"How did that make you feel?" Wes replied "Angry."

Without pausing I asked what he said to the 'mean kid'. Wes said "Wait till you get cancer."

WOW... so proud of how he handled it. After 9 months this is the first time either one of the kids have had their 'mama' attacked. This was something I thought may happen. This was one of the reasons why I asked the kids before going hat-less for breast cancer awareness month. click here to see that post  This is why I contacted the kid's teachers, coaches, school counselor, their friend's parents and neighbors when I was first diagnosed. I wanted the grown ups to help their children understand cancer and answer the questions their children may have. I wanted my children to feel comfortable talking about cancer. Whispering behind closed doors wasn't our mode-of-operi.

So boy or girl...Yes, this is something I look in the mirror and notice. I do look boyish. My hair doesn't scream girlie-girl. In fact I joke with my girlfriends that I may be mistaken for their partner. I'm practically identical twins with my big brother. I do look boyish. And that's just how it is. It's what I physically feared the most about cancer and yet am now comfortable with. In spite of my 'boyish' hair I've continued to choose to go hat-less. But the chicarita in me dons my big ol' hoops, dresses a bit more feminine and continues to wear lipstick because that's who I am.

I've also chosen to talk with my kids openly about all sorts of topics. Cancer being one of them... but I am also communicative about why his preschool friend has two moms, why the greeter at Target is overly friendly, and the bag boy at Safeway has large red areas of skin on his face. I pause movies to explain scenes and I make comments about the behavior of characters they watch on tv. I want my children to understand and be understanding.

I'm hoping that little boy (from the bus) walked in the door and the first thing he did was ask his mother "What's cancer?"

 

expanders

This is an expander... it's what I have placed in my chest under my pec muscle. It's the first phase of my breast reconstruction. Notice how it's deflated in this pic, it doesn't stay that way. They, as in Rachel the fabu asst. at Dr. Gabriel's office, adds saline injections on a weekly basis. This 'pumps me up' and slowly increases my bust size and in turn stretches out my skin to make room for the 'real' implants that I'll get later.

It's not comfortable... but the meds help. Dr. Gabriel gave me botox in my chest at the time of surgery to help with the discomfort. And thank goodness because after I get 'expanded' I feel so engorged that I could nurse an entire day care center. Which by the way isn't possible since 1. My boobs aren't really filled to the brim with milk. and 2. I don't have nipples. But I do have boobs and no cancer left so I'm not complaining.

I'm on the 'fast track' so to speak. That simply means that druing surgery Dr. Gabriel put about 240 cc's in my expanders then post surgery they expanded me 3 times in one week. This isn't the norm, but since I had a lot of empty space Dr. G didn't want the fluid to build up, hang out and cause me problems. The bigger the expander the less room for the fluid. Makes sense to me... and it makes me feel less like I had a mastectomy since when I look in the mirror I have breasts.

The goal is to inflate me to my optimal size before I begin radiation. [the max will be around 600 cc's]Then post radiation my skin will heal. After my radiation oncologist and plastic surgeon chat to make sure my skin is healthy enough, I'll have surgery for my permanent implants. About 6 months or so after I finish radiation. Then another procedure to get nipples. Which is an entire post within itself.

 
The black object is a magnetic something or another that will locate the 'port' in the expander. It's dangled over my chest to mark the port location then this is where the needle is injected for the saline expansion.

in a holiday state of mind...

I haven't felt much like writing this past week. You'd think with all my good news [did you see my last post about my negative pet scan?!] that I'd be jumping up and down, drinking coffee and writing up a storm. Albeit I am THRILLED with the news, however I'm still in the midst of treatment... which leaves me tired, sore from the booby expansions, and still holding down the Colvin fort. What this really means is that I prefer to sleep, watch tv and drive to get my coffee, peruse a boutique or two, all while leaving my net book at home. Then I spend a few hours managing the kidlets til bedtime. In the evening when I prefer to write, I opt to hang out with my hubby, read with the kidlets, or just pop a sleeping pill and head to bed early.

But in spite of my lack of go-get-em... I find I'm ready to throw myself into the holiday season. Which really isn't my norm. I prefer to keep it low key. Yet this Thanksgiving there is SO much to be thankful for. My pet scan results came in time to be THE topic of thankfulness around our family table. I bet my big brothers may even shed a tear or two...

So on a lighter note... I wanted to share some items from my other blog... the one that I've taken a sabbatical from to fight breast cancer. #hasitrealybeen9months? 

I dug up some of my favorite posts regarding keeping Thanksgiving + the holiday season in perspective... keeping it simple yet stylish [just how I like it!]  It's also a great reminder of what I looked like with hair ;)

Cheers to you and THANK YOU for being part of my journey.

"Creating a Simple + Stylish Thanksgiving" click here 

"Let them help" [kids love to be part of the holiday bustle!] click here  

"Creating a Personalized Holiday Guide Book" click here  [total side note.. i'm wearing that sweater today :) ]

 

 

when negative is good thing

It's been a long day. A good flippin' long day.

My pet scan results came back.... voila just like that [ok, not so voila, just like that]
Negative. Negative on the carcinoma. NO CANCER. No glowy spots on the scan. No tumor. No funky nodes.
CANCER FREE BABY... just how I like it.

I cried tears of joy. I don't think I've done that yet in the realm of my cancer world. [If my words are 'off' meaning they don't grammatically match up to what I'm '... blame it on the pain meds. Yes, I'm on them today, I got expanded again and my new ta-tas are stretching out my pecs + skin]

When I told my daughter she smiled big...with her new smile that is missing her top front tooth. She said "You don't have cancer anymore". That is so simply put, yet so larger than life.

I don't feel cancer free yet... it will take a while to soak in. I still have a shitload of items on my cancer treatment checklist to tackle before my journey is over. So as much as I'd like to feel like it's all over, it isn't. Closer.... a LOT closer.

What's left:
6 weeks of radiation [to insure the bastard doesn't come back]
Breast reconstruction [they are coming along quite nicely]
Hysterectomy [because I'm at a high risk for ovarian cancer]

So today I CELEBRATE, but tomorrow I see my radiation oncologist to keep on keepin' on.

p.s. I VERY much appreciate all your kind comments on Facebook and on Twitter today. Thank you all for walking next to me as I mosey on down this path. It's way more fun with you than without.

 

Good question

This morning my son crawled into my warm cozy bed then after a few moments asked "Mom, what are you going to do for a job when this is all over?" Good question.

Pet Scan... take two

Last March- 8 months ago, I had my first Pet Scan click here... I drove myself, cried on the curb, then received messages from my girlfriends to never drive myself or go alone to appointments. I listened. So tomorrow my faithful friend Lisa will be driving me to get my 2nd Pet Scan. #doespetscandeservetobecapitalized? If I need to cry... Lisa will cry with me. If I chatter on about the amazing technology she'll agree. She'll ask questions that I'll forget to ask and she'll probably offer to carry my handbag because it may be too heavy for me to carry post op. 

I don't say this often, but I'm actually scared about tomorrow. Not so much about the process... which is uncomfortable but tolerable, but about what the possible bright orange/yellow glowing objects that may appear on the scans. I don't want to see anything but black and white. PLEASE NO COLOR.... I don't want a speck of cancer to be in my body. I WANT IT ALL GONE.

Tonight I read my mastectomy pathology report... I mean read it, not just glanced at it. There is a portion of the report that read as follows: [i'm only going to share a tid bit]

GROSS DESCRIPTION
1. Left breast (prophylactic): Received fresh labeled "Colvin, Krista, left breast prophylactic" is a 1116 gram specimen.....

2. Right breast and axillary contents: Received fresh labeled "Colvin, Krista" is a product of a modified radical mastectomy. .....

Holy Shit... my breast tissue was in a tray- labeled with my name. Reading the nitty gritty details made me cry.  I hope all the cancer made it from my body to that tray. I hope not a speck was left behind. I hope not a single cell snuck off to make it's home elsewhere in my body.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE BREAST CANCER A SECOND TIME OR A THIRD TIME.  Once is enough for me. Once is enough for my kids. Once is enough for my husband.

So tonight I am scared. I want the scans to be clear. I want to enter radiation knowing it's just something one does to keep cancer from coming back.

I'm ready to see a colorless scan of my body.